| Have you ever been in an argument with your | | | | This does not mean that teens should be |
| teen, and when it was over, you felt | | | | allowed to do whatever they want. It means |
| completely beaten down? You may have felt | | | | that they should be allowed to express |
| weak, tired or anxious. You might even have | | | | themselves and to explore the options. |
| had physical symptoms of pain, such as a | | | | |
| stomachache. | | | | A good strategy for you as a parent is to ask |
| | | | your teen a lot of questions about the issue, |
| At times like this, the conversation seems | | | | request or situation. It helps to understand |
| more like a boxing match. After only three | | | | why your teen is wanting what he or she |
| rounds, you feel like you're about to drop. | | | | wants. Then the two of you can look at the |
| Then comes round four. Your teen says, "Come | | | | pros and cons of the choices. What this |
| on, Mom, you're so old fashioned." At round | | | | approach does is to turn a potential argument |
| five it's: "Everyone else is going." Then | | | | into a discussion. |
| comes round six: "Angie's mom is so cool. Why | | | | |
| can't you be like her?" followed by round | | | | If a battle breaks out anyway and you find |
| seven: "I hate you! I can't wait to get out | | | | yourself in what I call a "spinning class" - |
| of here!" That's the knockout punch. The | | | | going nowhere fast - and your teen is |
| conversation is over. | | | | throwing one punch after another, it's time |
| | | | to move into "setting boundaries." It's time |
| How do you stop an argument with your teen | | | | to stop engaging. Set a boundary and do not |
| from spinning out of control? No matter what | | | | discuss the topic anymore. Change the |
| the issue, it seems that you wind up in the | | | | subject, ignore the comments and walk away. |
| same place, over and over. It's a no-win | | | | |
| scenario, leaving both parties near death. No | | | | It's hard to simply walk away when someone is |
| one feels good when the battle is over, even | | | | yelling mean things at you. But if there is |
| if one party gets his or her way. | | | | no one to engage in an argument, the battle |
| | | | stops. First, you must be calm. Then set the |
| I believe there are two points of view that | | | | boundary. You might say, "I am not going to |
| will solve this dilemma. First, both parties | | | | discuss this with you anymore. This is what |
| have a right to their opinion, and second, | | | | it is, and the discussion is over." Then do |
| both parties have a right to have boundaries. | | | | not discuss it anymore, do not justify your |
| If both of these issues are honored, then the | | | | position. When you get into explaining your |
| discussion will play out quite differently. | | | | decision, you open it back up for discussion. |
| | | | Parents tend to want to justify themselves |
| Let's take a closer look at the first point: | | | | because they don't want to feel bad about |
| both parties have a right to their opinion. | | | | their teen not liking them. You have to be |
| This perspective requires stepping into the | | | | okay with your teen not always liking you. |
| other person's reality and taking a look at | | | | |
| the situation from their point of view before | | | | So first put yourselves in your teen's shoes |
| reacting. It is trying to develop compassion | | | | to truly understand his or her point of view |
| by understanding what the other person is | | | | and so that your teen will feel heard. If the |
| going through. | | | | conversation still goes sour, set a boundary. |
| | | | Your teen will more willing adhere to your |
| Stepping into their teenager's shoes is | | | | rules after feeling heard. Although your |
| particularly hard for parents to do because | | | | relationship with your teen might get worse |
| they feel that they know better. And maybe | | | | before it gets better, eventually it will |
| they do. But teens learn from their own | | | | shift. And when it does, it will be a win-win |
| experiences, not from what their parents have | | | | situation. You just have to be the first one |
| learned. | | | | to get out of the ring. |
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