| Have you ever been in an argument with your teen, | | | | allowed to express themselves and to explore the |
| and when it was over, you felt completely beaten | | | | options. |
| down? You may have felt weak, tired or anxious. You | | | | A good strategy for you as a parent is to ask your |
| might even have had physical symptoms of pain, such | | | | teen a lot of questions about the issue, request or |
| as a stomachache. | | | | situation. It helps to understand why your teen is |
| At times like this, the conversation seems more like a | | | | wanting what he or she wants. Then the two of you |
| boxing match. After only three rounds, you feel like | | | | can look at the pros and cons of the choices. What |
| you're about to drop. Then comes round four. Your | | | | this approach does is to turn a potential argument into |
| teen says, "Come on, Mom, you're so old fashioned." | | | | a discussion. |
| At round five it's: "Everyone else is going." Then comes | | | | If a battle breaks out anyway and you find yourself in |
| round six: "Angie's mom is so cool. Why can't you be | | | | what I call a "spinning class" - going nowhere fast - and |
| like her?" followed by round seven: "I hate you! I can't | | | | your teen is throwing one punch after another, it's time |
| wait to get out of here!" That's the knockout punch. | | | | to move into "setting boundaries." It's time to stop |
| The conversation is over. | | | | engaging. Set a boundary and do not discuss the topic |
| How do you stop an argument with your teen from | | | | anymore. Change the subject, ignore the comments |
| spinning out of control? No matter what the issue, it | | | | and walk away. |
| seems that you wind up in the same place, over and | | | | It's hard to simply walk away when someone is yelling |
| over. It's a no-win scenario, leaving both parties near | | | | mean things at you. But if there is no one to engage in |
| death. No one feels good when the battle is over, | | | | an argument, the battle stops. First, you must be calm. |
| even if one party gets his or her way. | | | | Then set the boundary. You might say, "I am not going |
| I believe there are two points of view that will solve | | | | to discuss this with you anymore. This is what it is, and |
| this dilemma. First, both parties have a right to their | | | | the discussion is over." Then do not discuss it anymore, |
| opinion, and second, both parties have a right to have | | | | do not justify your position. When you get into |
| boundaries. If both of these issues are honored, then | | | | explaining your decision, you open it back up for |
| the discussion will play out quite differently. | | | | discussion. Parents tend to want to justify themselves |
| Let's take a closer look at the first point: both parties | | | | because they don't want to feel bad about their teen |
| have a right to their opinion. This perspective requires | | | | not liking them. You have to be okay with your teen |
| stepping into the other person's reality and taking a | | | | not always liking you. |
| look at the situation from their point of view before | | | | So first put yourselves in your teen's shoes to truly |
| reacting. It is trying to develop compassion by | | | | understand his or her point of view and so that your |
| understanding what the other person is going through. | | | | teen will feel heard. If the conversation still goes sour, |
| Stepping into their teenager's shoes is particularly hard | | | | set a boundary. Your teen will more willing adhere to |
| for parents to do because they feel that they know | | | | your rules after feeling heard. Although your |
| better. And maybe they do. But teens learn from their | | | | relationship with your teen might get worse before it |
| own experiences, not from what their parents have | | | | gets better, eventually it will shift. And when it does, it |
| learned. | | | | will be a win-win situation. You just have to be the first |
| This does not mean that teens should be allowed to | | | | one to get out of the ring. |
| do whatever they want. It means that they should be | | | | |