| Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!
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| | her car and I lost track of time. To be
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| 02nd April 2007
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| | honest, I knew you would be mad that I
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| Author: Dan and Jennifer
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| | was late and I just couldn't deal with it
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| When we are in a long-term relationship
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| | right then, I was too stressed. I know
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| we sometimes find that we are caught in
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| | it must have hurt, I really didn't mean
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| conflicts that make us feel crazy . We
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| | to hurt you, but I can see that I did. I
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| don't understand what the other person is
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| | am sorry.
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| talking about and they don't seem to
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| | Sara: (Crying) You were afraid I would be
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| understand what it is we are trying to
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| | mad? Of course I was mad. You let me
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| tell them. Often this is about the time
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| | down. But I can see that if you were
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| couples give up on their partnership and
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| | stressed you wouldn't want to face it
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| call it quits. Why does this happen? How
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| | right then, I am sorry my anger makes it
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| can we stop it?
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| | hard for you to talk to me. I'll work on
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| It happens because we are animals. Yes,
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| | that.
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| essentially we are human animals driven
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| | Obviously, "Sara" and "John" are able to
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| by instincts that we don't have conscious
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| | be really respectful, honest, and not
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| awareness of, but that are driving our
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| | reactive. It's really hard to not be
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| behavior nonetheless. It's not terribly
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| | reactive when we have been hurt. But
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| complicated, though it's not all that
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| | taking the time to find out what is going
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| easy to change. Understanding what
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| | on with our partner (using whatever words
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| drives us and why we react the way we do,
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| | we can muster) allows us to step back and
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| and why our spouses are reacting the way
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| | see them as a human being, with problems
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| they are; helps us move through it to a
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| | and issues of their own, and not merely
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| (hopefully) happy resolution.
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| | our offender.
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| We can stop it, but it's sometimes really
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| | To do this we have to be able to do
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| hard. To begin with, recognize that
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| | something called "Containment" .
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| whatever it seems like the conflict is
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| | Containment is where we hold back on
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| about is not what it's really about. I
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| | expressing our reactions to something
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| know it's hard to accept but what you are
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| | before hearing the other person out. We
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| really upset about it not that he didn't
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| | listen thoroughly to what is really going
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| call when he said he would or that she
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| | on before we respond. This allows us to
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| got upset with you for being late. That
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| | get the whole story and the feelings
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| may be what triggered the discussion, but
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| | behind it before saying our piece.
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| it is not the source of the upset. Let
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| | Containment is a skill that has to be
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| me explain.
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| | learned consciously and requires
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| When we feel we are being attacked or
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| | attention and intention to accomplish,
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| threatened in someway we feel that we
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| | but it can be done, and it's so worth it.
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| are the Victim, and the offending person
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| | The next time you are caught up in one of
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| (our partner) is the Villain
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| | those crazy making discussions, try this.
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| (perpetrator, bad guy, whatever) on an
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| | Shut up, contain your reactions, listen,
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| emotional level. Now, we may know
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| | and then start "mirroring" your partner
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| intellectually that this person is our
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| | and ask them to tell you more. Mirroring
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| lover, our spouse, our intimate partner,
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| | is when you say back to your partner what
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| etc., but we don't feel that way when we
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| | you are hearing them say, it's not
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| are feeling attacked or threatened. On an
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| | parroting them word for word, but
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| emotional level, we are the Victim and
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| | summarizing and re-phrasing what you have
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| they are the Villain. As long as we are
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| | heard, then checking it out, "Did I get
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| emotionally in this place, our
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| | that right?" or "Is that right?" As you
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| relationship is ultimately doomed.
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| | ask for more, say, "Is there anything
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| Our instinct then, is to attack back in
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| | else?", "What else", "What else can you
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| order to feel safe or that we are
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| | tell me about it?" or "Is there more?"
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| protecting ourselves. I call taking this
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| | When they have said all they can say
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| position being in the "Self-Protector"
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| | about it, see if you can find something
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| position. Of course, if we are
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| | in what they have said to empathize with,
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| "Rescuers" we might instead, let our
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| | even if you don't agree with them, before
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| partner off the hook by saying, "Oh, it's
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| | you respond.
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| okay. I'm sorry, I am getting upset over
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| | Most of the time, once you have fully
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| nothing" thereby placating our partner
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| | heard your partner out, your reaction
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| and avoiding a fight. But the end result
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| | will be quite different than it was
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| is the same, we haven't stopped feeling
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| | initially. Suddenly our defensiveness is
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| like a Victim and they are still the
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| | down and we have a chance to respond to
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| Villain in our heart.
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| | our partner with ownership of our part,
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| So if fighting back or placating are not
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| | empathy for what they are going through
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| the answer, what is? How do we stop the
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| | and respect for who they are.
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| craziness?
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| | Wait. Get more great articles like this
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| The answer is simple, but not easy. We
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| | one at Ask Dan and Jennifer your most
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| take ownership of our part in whatever
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| | pressing questions on Dating,
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| upset our partner, or of what is
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| | Relationships, Love, and Sex, and take a
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| upsetting us, and then provide empathy
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| | sneak peak at what others are asking.
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| and respect for our partner. This is what
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| | Subscribe to today! You'll get the latest
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| it looks like:
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| | dating, relationship, love, and sex
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| Sara: John, you said you were going to
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| | content sent straight to your email
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| be here at 8, and when you didn't get
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| | inbox, including tons of free downloads
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| here or even call, I got worried. Then I
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| | like Michael Webb's eBook, "101 Romantic
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| felt hurt and like I don't matter to you.
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| | Ideas". Hurry, you don't want to miss
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| Can you tell me what was going on with
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| | out.
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| you?
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| | Copyright 2007, AskDanAndJennifer.com,
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| John: My being late was unavoidable. My
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| | "Dating, Relationships, Love, and Sex -
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| boss called a last minute meeting because
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| | Get Your Questions Answered!" - All
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| sales are down and it ran over, then I
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| | rights reserved.
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| had to go by my mothers to help her with
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