| 1. Start with the commitment to make the marriage | | | | in many poor marriages is genuine respect for each |
| work. | | | | other. In marriage, we are often more discourteous |
| 2. Understand that you deceived each other in the | | | | than we are in friendships or in business relationships. |
| courtship process and practice the skill of forgiving. | | | | Venting your anger in marriage and thinking that doing |
| While you were courting, you always put your best | | | | so costs nothing is irresponsible. Hurt relations always |
| foot forward in order to accomplish your objective: | | | | cost, especially in marriage. |
| marriage to the one you were courting. For this reason, | | | | 5. Eliminate the words always and never from your |
| you probably agreed to almost everything. Fortunately, | | | | vocabulary - as in "you always do this" or "you never |
| you can overcome the problems that arise when you | | | | do that." Those statements aren't true, and they can |
| reveal those deceptions with a strong commitment | | | | elicit nothing but a defensive retort from your mate. |
| and by recognizing that you not only want the | | | | 6. Practice looking for the good in your mate and work |
| marriage to work but also want to make it thrive. | | | | on finding the humor in problems. Many couples report |
| 3. Work at verbalizing your true feelings without taking | | | | that, in the midst of a heated argument, something |
| punitive action against your mate. Say that you and | | | | hilarious happens or is said, perhaps an interruption by a |
| your spouse swap cars, and when you switch back, | | | | child or an innocent but appropriate remark that hits the |
| you find that your mate has returned your car with the | | | | funny bone. At any rate, the anger immediately |
| gas tank almost empty. Punitive action would be | | | | dissipates and laughter sets in - not at each other but |
| returning your mate's car with an empty tank the next | | | | with each other. |
| time in order to get even. Instead, pleasantly say to | | | | 7. Remember that your mate is not a mind reader. |
| your mate, "Honey, you may have noticed that when I | | | | Many couples expect each other to know that they |
| use your car, I return it at least half full of gasoline. I | | | | really don't enjoy being kidded about their expanding |
| would really appreciate it if you would show me the | | | | waistline, their receding hairline, their inability to wake up |
| same courtesy." Chances are superb that if you | | | | instantly, their dislike of sloppiness, or their need for |
| handle the situation gently, lovingly, and with a big hug | | | | support and encouragement about a specific thing. But |
| and smile, your mate will respond appropriately. | | | | you need to gently tell your mate what your needs |
| 4. Take time to build the skill of courteousness. Building | | | | are. He or she can't read your mind. Resentment builds |
| the skill of courteousness is good advice for husbands | | | | within you if your mate doesn't meet a need or |
| and wives to follow. Discourtesy is really disrespect; | | | | conducts himself or herself in a way that displeases |
| you're seldom discourteous to anyone you truly | | | | you, but he or she may not have a clue as to the |
| respect. Marriage counselors say that one thing lacking | | | | nature of the problem. |