| 1. Start with the commitment to make the | | | | marriages is genuine respect for each other. |
| marriage work. | | | | In marriage, we are often more discourteous |
| | | | than we are in friendships or in business |
| 2. Understand that you deceived each other in | | | | relationships. Venting your anger in marriage |
| the courtship process and practice the skill | | | | and thinking that doing so costs nothing is |
| of forgiving. While you were courting, you | | | | irresponsible. Hurt relations always cost, |
| always put your best foot forward in order to | | | | especially in marriage. |
| accomplish your objective: marriage to the | | | | |
| one you were courting. For this reason, you | | | | 5. Eliminate the words always and never from |
| probably agreed to almost everything. | | | | your vocabulary - as in "you always do this" |
| Fortunately, you can overcome the problems | | | | or "you never do that." Those statements |
| that arise when you reveal those deceptions | | | | aren't true, and they can elicit nothing but |
| with a strong commitment and by recognizing | | | | a defensive retort from your mate. |
| that you not only want the marriage to work | | | | |
| but also want to make it thrive. | | | | 6. Practice looking for the good in your mate |
| | | | and work on finding the humor in problems. |
| 3. Work at verbalizing your true feelings | | | | Many couples report that, in the midst of a |
| without taking punitive action against your | | | | heated argument, something hilarious happens |
| mate. Say that you and your spouse swap cars, | | | | or is said, perhaps an interruption by a |
| and when you switch back, you find that your | | | | child or an innocent but appropriate remark |
| mate has returned your car with the gas tank | | | | that hits the funny bone. At any rate, the |
| almost empty. Punitive action would be | | | | anger immediately dissipates and laughter |
| returning your mate's car with an empty tank | | | | sets in - not at each other but with each |
| the next time in order to get even. Instead, | | | | other. |
| pleasantly say to your mate, "Honey, you may | | | | |
| have noticed that when I use your car, I | | | | 7. Remember that your mate is not a mind |
| return it at least half full of gasoline. I | | | | reader. Many couples expect each other to |
| would really appreciate it if you would show | | | | know that they really don't enjoy being |
| me the same courtesy." Chances are superb | | | | kidded about their expanding waistline, their |
| that if you handle the situation gently, | | | | receding hairline, their inability to wake up |
| lovingly, and with a big hug and smile, your | | | | instantly, their dislike of sloppiness, or |
| mate will respond appropriately. | | | | their need for support and encouragement |
| | | | about a specific thing. But you need to |
| 4. Take time to build the skill of | | | | gently tell your mate what your needs are. He |
| courteousness. Building the skill of | | | | or she can't read your mind. Resentment |
| courteousness is good advice for husbands and | | | | builds within you if your mate doesn't meet a |
| wives to follow. Discourtesy is really | | | | need or conducts himself or herself in a way |
| disrespect; you're seldom discourteous to | | | | that displeases you, but he or she may not |
| anyone you truly respect. Marriage counselors | | | | have a clue as to the nature of the problem. |
| say that one thing lacking in many poor | | | | |