Teens and Sex

Dear Dr. J.It's not that unusual for our sixteen-year-oldadolescence. What bothers parents is that the
daughter to come home after midnight, and sometimesprogression of teenage relationships seems so
we fall asleep before she gets home. Last week wedifferent. The time between the first kiss and
woke up in the morning and Lisa wasn't in her bed.Myintercourse seems to have diminished dramatically, and
husband and I panicked! We called every friend ofthis is unsettling for most parents. It helps to remember
Lisa's we knew and nobody knew where she was.that teenagers have their own concerns about
We then called the police and all the local hospitals. Isexuality. The are aware and concerned about
thought for sure she was dead, or, at the very least,pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, broken
badly injured or something. I didn't know what to thinkhearts, and bad reputations.The best advice I can give
and my mind was racing to all the terrible possibilities.you is to remember that if teenagers want to have
We were riding around town looking for her when shesex, they will find a way to do so. What you want to
called us on her cell phone from homeWhen we gotdo is give your daughter guidance about the meaning
there, I just lost it. I couldn't stop screaming at her! Laterof sharing herself sexually with her boyfriend, safe
she came to me (when I had calmed down) and toldsex, and birth control. Talk to her about what having
me that she had fallen asleep at her boyfriend's housesex with her boyfriend means to her at this age. Be
(he's 17). I didn't even know she was dating somebody.sure to listen. At 16, this relationship undoubtedly will not
Now I have found out that she's sleeping with somebe permanent, so talk to her about how many boys
guy! I don't know what to do.JoyceDear JoycePart ofshe thinks it is appropriate for her to have sex with.
your response is surprise and dismay because yourValidate her feelings and try to use as many
16-year-old is acting in ways that seem very differentopportunities as you can to give guidance.Even if she
from what you expect or want. It can be tempting towere not having sex, it is important for you to meet
try to control herthe boyfriend she hasn't told you about. Invite him to
sexual activity by grounding or punishing her in someyour home and make sure he is welcome to spend
way, but that doesn't usually work. Teenagers whotime there.
are forbidden to see their "love" often rebel completely.If they are not at your house (supervised), they will be
Many of them choose dishonesty and subterfuge tosomewhere else (unsupervised). If you are willing to
keep their parents from finding out they're havingget to know him, hopefully you will have a lot more
sex.This is confusing because if you want yourinfluence on them, and can talk with them about their
daughter to exercise restraint, but don't want her torelationship. I hope he is somebody you will approve of
start lying and sneaking around, what do you do?because if he becomes "the enemy" you have lost the
Basic rules such as limits about whereopportunity to have a direct connection with your
boyfriends are allowed to be, curfew times, anddaughter's new relationship. Stay connected.Dr.
keeping open communication about her relationshipsJ.Jennifer J. Sowle, PhD is a Licensed Psychologist and
are helpful. Along with "house rules", though, manyLicensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is also an
parents would like to set limits on their adolescents'AASECT Certified Sex Educator and Sex Therapist.
sexual experiences. That's a little more difficult toDr. Sowle has a private psychological practice in
do.Sexual experimentation is normal duringNorthern Michigan.Dr.