| Dear Dr. J.It's not that unusual for our sixteen-year-old | | | | adolescence. What bothers parents is that the |
| daughter to come home after midnight, and sometimes | | | | progression of teenage relationships seems so |
| we fall asleep before she gets home. Last week we | | | | different. The time between the first kiss and |
| woke up in the morning and Lisa wasn't in her bed.My | | | | intercourse seems to have diminished dramatically, and |
| husband and I panicked! We called every friend of | | | | this is unsettling for most parents. It helps to remember |
| Lisa's we knew and nobody knew where she was. | | | | that teenagers have their own concerns about |
| We then called the police and all the local hospitals. I | | | | sexuality. The are aware and concerned about |
| thought for sure she was dead, or, at the very least, | | | | pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, broken |
| badly injured or something. I didn't know what to think | | | | hearts, and bad reputations.The best advice I can give |
| and my mind was racing to all the terrible possibilities. | | | | you is to remember that if teenagers want to have |
| We were riding around town looking for her when she | | | | sex, they will find a way to do so. What you want to |
| called us on her cell phone from homeWhen we got | | | | do is give your daughter guidance about the meaning |
| there, I just lost it. I couldn't stop screaming at her! Later | | | | of sharing herself sexually with her boyfriend, safe |
| she came to me (when I had calmed down) and told | | | | sex, and birth control. Talk to her about what having |
| me that she had fallen asleep at her boyfriend's house | | | | sex with her boyfriend means to her at this age. Be |
| (he's 17). I didn't even know she was dating somebody. | | | | sure to listen. At 16, this relationship undoubtedly will not |
| Now I have found out that she's sleeping with some | | | | be permanent, so talk to her about how many boys |
| guy! I don't know what to do.JoyceDear JoycePart of | | | | she thinks it is appropriate for her to have sex with. |
| your response is surprise and dismay because your | | | | Validate her feelings and try to use as many |
| 16-year-old is acting in ways that seem very different | | | | opportunities as you can to give guidance.Even if she |
| from what you expect or want. It can be tempting to | | | | were not having sex, it is important for you to meet |
| try to control her | | | | the boyfriend she hasn't told you about. Invite him to |
| sexual activity by grounding or punishing her in some | | | | your home and make sure he is welcome to spend |
| way, but that doesn't usually work. Teenagers who | | | | time there. |
| are forbidden to see their "love" often rebel completely. | | | | If they are not at your house (supervised), they will be |
| Many of them choose dishonesty and subterfuge to | | | | somewhere else (unsupervised). If you are willing to |
| keep their parents from finding out they're having | | | | get to know him, hopefully you will have a lot more |
| sex.This is confusing because if you want your | | | | influence on them, and can talk with them about their |
| daughter to exercise restraint, but don't want her to | | | | relationship. I hope he is somebody you will approve of |
| start lying and sneaking around, what do you do? | | | | because if he becomes "the enemy" you have lost the |
| Basic rules such as limits about where | | | | opportunity to have a direct connection with your |
| boyfriends are allowed to be, curfew times, and | | | | daughter's new relationship. Stay connected.Dr. |
| keeping open communication about her relationships | | | | J.Jennifer J. Sowle, PhD is a Licensed Psychologist and |
| are helpful. Along with "house rules", though, many | | | | Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She is also an |
| parents would like to set limits on their adolescents' | | | | AASECT Certified Sex Educator and Sex Therapist. |
| sexual experiences. That's a little more difficult to | | | | Dr. Sowle has a private psychological practice in |
| do.Sexual experimentation is normal during | | | | Northern Michigan.Dr. |