| Q: I'm very concerned about my daughter. She | | | | How to Correct Your Relationship Radar |
| is very strong and successful in many areas | | | | |
| of her life except one. She keeps picking | | | | Here are five key strategies for correcting, |
| guys that are just no good for her. She even | | | | or re-setting, your relationship radar: |
| knows she does it and just can't seem to | | | | |
| stop. I even took her to see the musical "Why | | | | 1. As you think back on the parental model |
| Good Girls Like Bad Boys." She thought it was | | | | you had for relationships, make two lists:the |
| funny, saw herself in it, and still can't | | | | first is a list of characteristics from your |
| seem to change. Is she the only one like | | | | parents relationship that you would like to |
| this? How can she stop what she is doing to | | | | keepthe second is a list of characteristics |
| herself? | | | | that you would like to discard and leave |
| | | | behind. Then get to work on eliminating the |
| Here's some good news | | | | negative characteristics from your life. |
| | | | |
| I see lots and lots of women and men with | | | | 2. Pay attention to your relationship history |
| this kind of pattern | | | | and patterns. Do you find yourself attracted |
| | | | to the same kind of person who winds up |
| There's even a name for it, and | | | | hurting you? Do your relationships follow a |
| | | | similar pattern and end in the same way? Do |
| Most importantly, there are specific | | | | you find yourself getting hurt in the same |
| strategies to quickly and successfully change | | | | way over and over? These are signs that |
| the pattern. | | | | reveal that your relationship radar needs |
| | | | some radical readjusting. |
| Think back to the last time you watched The | | | | |
| Weather Channel or the local weather on the | | | | 3. Based on the exercise above, make a list |
| news. Remember how the radar was able to pick | | | | of danger signals to watch for in people you |
| up the storms and lock onto them? Well, each | | | | are getting to know. As one client of mine |
| of us has an internal radar that picks up and | | | | put it: "I keep picking scum, so I'm going to |
| locks in on certain kinds of people. | | | | call my list "Scum Signals." If you start |
| | | | picking up these familiar signals, an alarm |
| I call this process our "relationship radar." | | | | should go off in your brain, sort of like the |
| If we are lucky, and/or if we have worked at | | | | robot on "Lost in Space": "warning! warning! |
| it, our radar picks out people who are | | | | - danger Will Robinson." |
| potentially good for us, and things work out. | | | | |
| | | | Then follow this 3 word Rx: "Run like hell!" |
| Unfortunately some folks have faulty | | | | |
| relationship radar that predictably chooses | | | | 4. Then make a list of positive |
| people who will eventually cause them pain. | | | | characteristics in someone with whom you'd |
| Here's what I mean: if your daughter were to | | | | like to be in a relationship. This can be an |
| go to a party with 100 guys and there were | | | | ongoing and growing list that will guide you |
| two of them that were her "type", her faulty | | | | in re-setting your radar, and then in making |
| relationship radar would pick them out in | | | | a better choice. |
| about five minutes tops. She would even find | | | | |
| the other good guys "boring" or just "too | | | | 5. Finally, here's a quick self-esteem |
| nice." | | | | raising exercise. Rate your self-esteem on a |
| | | | scale of 1 to 10, (with 1 the worst and 10 |
| Now let's look at how faulty relationship | | | | the best) in the following four areas:where |
| radar gets set and then more importantly, how | | | | it is nowthe worst it's ever beenthe best |
| to change it. | | | | it's ever beenhow you would like it to be |
| | | | |
| How Relationship Radar Gets Set1. The model | | | | Now it's time for some higher math: take the |
| for relationships we saw in our parents | | | | number of where you would like your |
| | | | self-esteem to be (let's say 10) and subtract |
| 2. Our self-estee | | | | the number of where it is now (3 for |
| | | | example). Where I went to school, ten minus |
| Our relationship experience and history | | | | three is seven. (I'm such a show-off!) This |
| | | | means you have 7 levels of self-esteem to |
| If you'll notice, two of these factors, the | | | | reach your goal. While that's too big a chunk |
| model we had and our relationship experience | | | | to handle all at once, you can break it down |
| are things in the past that we cannot change. | | | | into manageable pieces by asking this |
| That's the bad news. The good news is that 1) | | | | question: "What will it take for me to go |
| we can be aware of and begin to change past | | | | from a 3 to a 4, then a 4 to a 5, and so on?" |
| patterns, and 2) we can rather quickly and | | | | |
| effectively change our self-esteem. | | | | Follow this path, and watch your self-esteem |
| | | | grow, and your relationship radar change. |