| Q: I'm very concerned about my daughter.
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| | model you had for relationships, make two
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| She is very strong and successful in many
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| | lists:the first is a list of
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| areas of her life except one. She keeps
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| | characteristics from your parents
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| picking guys that are just no good for
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| | relationship that you would like to
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| her. She even knows she does it and just
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| | keepthe second is a list of
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| can't seem to stop. I even took her to
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| | characteristics that you would like to
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| see the musical "Why Good Girls Like Bad
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| | discard and leave behind. Then get to
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| Boys." She thought it was funny, saw
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| | work on eliminating the negative
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| herself in it, and still can't seem to
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| | characteristics from your life.
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| change. Is she the only one like this?
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| | 2. Pay attention to your relationship
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| How can she stop what she is doing to
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| | history and patterns. Do you find
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| herself?
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| | yourself attracted to the same kind of
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| Here's some good news
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| | person who winds up hurting you? Do your
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| I see lots and lots of women and men with
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| | relationships follow a similar pattern
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| this kind of pattern
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| | and end in the same way? Do you find
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| There's even a name for it, and
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| | yourself getting hurt in the same way
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| Most importantly, there are specific
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| | over and over? These are signs that
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| strategies to quickly and successfully
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| | reveal that your relationship radar needs
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| change the pattern.
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| | some radical readjusting.
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| Think back to the last time you watched
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| | 3. Based on the exercise above, make a
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| The Weather Channel or the local weather
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| | list of danger signals to watch for in
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| on the news. Remember how the radar was
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| | people you are getting to know. As one
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| able to pick up the storms and lock onto
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| | client of mine put it: "I keep picking
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| them? Well, each of us has an internal
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| | scum, so I'm going to call my list "Scum
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| radar that picks up and locks in on
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| | Signals." If you start picking up these
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| certain kinds of people.
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| | familiar signals, an alarm should go off
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| I call this process our "relationship
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| | in your brain, sort of like the robot on
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| radar." If we are lucky, and/or if we
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| | "Lost in Space": "warning! warning! -
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| have worked at it, our radar picks out
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| | danger Will Robinson."
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| people who are potentially good for us,
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| | Then follow this 3 word Rx: "Run like
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| and things work out.
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| | hell!"
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| Unfortunately some folks have faulty
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| | 4. Then make a list of positive
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| relationship radar that predictably
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| | characteristics in someone with whom
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| chooses people who will eventually cause
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| | you'd like to be in a relationship. This
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| them pain. Here's what I mean: if your
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| | can be an ongoing and growing list that
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| daughter were to go to a party with 100
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| | will guide you in re-setting your radar,
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| guys and there were two of them that were
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| | and then in making a better choice.
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| her "type", her faulty relationship radar
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| | 5. Finally, here's a quick self-esteem
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| would pick them out in about five minutes
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| | raising exercise. Rate your self-esteem
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| tops. She would even find the other good
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| | on a scale of 1 to 10, (with 1 the worst
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| guys "boring" or just "too nice."
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| | and 10 the best) in the following four
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| Now let's look at how faulty relationship
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| | areas:where it is nowthe worst it's ever
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| radar gets set and then more importantly,
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| | beenthe best it's ever beenhow you would
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| how to change it.
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| | like it to be
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| How Relationship Radar Gets Set1. The
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| | Now it's time for some higher math: take
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| model for relationships we saw in our
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| | the number of where you would like your
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| parents
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| | self-esteem to be (let's say 10) and
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| 2. Our self-estee
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| | subtract the number of where it is now (3
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| Our relationship experience and history
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| | for example). Where I went to school, ten
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| If you'll notice, two of these factors,
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| | minus three is seven. (I'm such a
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| the model we had and our relationship
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| | show-off!) This means you have 7 levels
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| experience are things in the past that we
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| | of self-esteem to reach your goal. While
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| cannot change. That's the bad news. The
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| | that's too big a chunk to handle all at
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| good news is that 1) we can be aware of
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| | once, you can break it down into
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| and begin to change past patterns, and 2)
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| | manageable pieces by asking this
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| we can rather quickly and effectively
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| | question: "What will it take for me to go
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| change our self-esteem.
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| | from a 3 to a 4, then a 4 to a 5, and so
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| How to Correct Your Relationship Radar
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| | on?"
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| Here are five key strategies for
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| | Follow this path, and watch your
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| correcting, or re-setting, your
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| | self-esteem grow, and your relationship
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| relationship radar:
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| | radar change.
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| 1. As you think back on the parental
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|
