| Q: I'm very concerned about my daughter. | | | | 1. As you think back on the parental |
| She is very strong and successful in | | | | model you had for relationships, make |
| many areas of her life except one. She | | | | two lists:the first is a list of |
| keeps picking guys that are just no good | | | | characteristics from your parents |
| for her. She even knows she does it and | | | | relationship that you would like to |
| just can't seem to stop. I even took her | | | | keepthe second is a list of |
| to see the musical "Why Good Girls Like | | | | characteristics that you would like to |
| Bad Boys." She thought it was funny, saw | | | | discard and leave behind. Then get to |
| herself in it, and still can't seem to | | | | work on eliminating the negative |
| change. Is she the only one like this? | | | | characteristics from your life. |
| How can she stop what she is doing to | | | | 2. Pay attention to your relationship |
| herself? | | | | history and patterns. Do you find |
| Here's some good news | | | | yourself attracted to the same kind of |
| I see lots and lots of women and men | | | | person who winds up hurting you? Do your |
| with this kind of pattern | | | | relationships follow a similar pattern |
| There's even a name for it, and | | | | and end in the same way? Do you find |
| Most importantly, there are specific | | | | yourself getting hurt in the same way |
| strategies to quickly and successfully | | | | over and over? These are signs that |
| change the pattern. | | | | reveal that your relationship radar |
| Think back to the last time you watched | | | | needs some radical readjusting. |
| The Weather Channel or the local weather | | | | 3. Based on the exercise above, make a |
| on the news. Remember how the radar was | | | | list of danger signals to watch for in |
| able to pick up the storms and lock onto | | | | people you are getting to know. As one |
| them? Well, each of us has an internal | | | | client of mine put it: "I keep picking |
| radar that picks up and locks in on | | | | scum, so I'm going to call my list "Scum |
| certain kinds of people. | | | | Signals." If you start picking up these |
| I call this process our "relationship | | | | familiar signals, an alarm should go off |
| radar." If we are lucky, and/or if we | | | | in your brain, sort of like the robot on |
| have worked at it, our radar picks out | | | | "Lost in Space": "warning! warning! - |
| people who are potentially good for us, | | | | danger Will Robinson." |
| and things work out. | | | | Then follow this 3 word Rx: "Run like |
| Unfortunately some folks have faulty | | | | hell!" |
| relationship radar that predictably | | | | 4. Then make a list of positive |
| chooses people who will eventually cause | | | | characteristics in someone with whom |
| them pain. Here's what I mean: if your | | | | you'd like to be in a relationship. This |
| daughter were to go to a party with 100 | | | | can be an ongoing and growing list that |
| guys and there were two of them that | | | | will guide you in re-setting your radar, |
| were her "type", her faulty relationship | | | | and then in making a better choice. |
| radar would pick them out in about five | | | | 5. Finally, here's a quick self-esteem |
| minutes tops. She would even find the | | | | raising exercise. Rate your self-esteem |
| other good guys "boring" or just "too | | | | on a scale of 1 to 10, (with 1 the worst |
| nice." | | | | and 10 the best) in the following four |
| Now let's look at how faulty | | | | areas:where it is nowthe worst it's ever |
| relationship radar gets set and then | | | | beenthe best it's ever beenhow you would |
| more importantly, how to change it. | | | | like it to be |
| How Relationship Radar Gets Set1. The | | | | Now it's time for some higher math: take |
| model for relationships we saw in our | | | | the number of where you would like your |
| parents | | | | self-esteem to be (let's say 10) and |
| 2. Our self-estee | | | | subtract the number of where it is now |
| Our relationship experience and history | | | | (3 for example). Where I went to school, |
| If you'll notice, two of these factors, | | | | ten minus three is seven. (I'm such a |
| the model we had and our relationship | | | | show-off!) This means you have 7 levels |
| experience are things in the past that | | | | of self-esteem to reach your goal. While |
| we cannot change. That's the bad news. | | | | that's too big a chunk to handle all at |
| The good news is that 1) we can be aware | | | | once, you can break it down into |
| of and begin to change past patterns, | | | | manageable pieces by asking this |
| and 2) we can rather quickly and | | | | question: "What will it take for me to |
| effectively change our self-esteem. | | | | go from a 3 to a 4, then a 4 to a 5, and |
| How to Correct Your Relationship Radar | | | | so on?" |
| Here are five key strategies for | | | | Follow this path, and watch your |
| correcting, or re-setting, your | | | | self-esteem grow, and your relationship |
| relationship radar: | | | | radar change. |