| Q: I'm very concerned about my daughter. She is very | | | | re-setting, your relationship radar: |
| strong and successful in many areas of her life except | | | | 1. As you think back on the parental model you had for |
| one. She keeps picking guys that are just no good for | | | | relationships, make two lists:the first is a list of |
| her. She even knows she does it and just can't seem | | | | characteristics from your parents relationship that you |
| to stop. I even took her to see the musical "Why Good | | | | would like to keepthe second is a list of characteristics |
| Girls Like Bad Boys." She thought it was funny, saw | | | | that you would like to discard and leave behind. Then |
| herself in it, and still can't seem to change. Is she the | | | | get to work on eliminating the negative characteristics |
| only one like this? How can she stop what she is doing | | | | from your life. |
| to herself? | | | | 2. Pay attention to your relationship history and |
| Here's some good news | | | | patterns. Do you find yourself attracted to the same |
| I see lots and lots of women and men with this kind of | | | | kind of person who winds up hurting you? Do your |
| pattern | | | | relationships follow a similar pattern and end in the |
| There's even a name for it, and | | | | same way? Do you find yourself getting hurt in the |
| Most importantly, there are specific strategies to | | | | same way over and over? These are signs that |
| quickly and successfully change the pattern. | | | | reveal that your relationship radar needs some radical |
| Think back to the last time you watched The Weather | | | | readjusting. |
| Channel or the local weather on the news. Remember | | | | 3. Based on the exercise above, make a list of danger |
| how the radar was able to pick up the storms and | | | | signals to watch for in people you are getting to know. |
| lock onto them? Well, each of us has an internal radar | | | | As one client of mine put it: "I keep picking scum, so I'm |
| that picks up and locks in on certain kinds of people. | | | | going to call my list "Scum Signals." If you start picking |
| I call this process our "relationship radar." If we are | | | | up these familiar signals, an alarm should go off in your |
| lucky, and/or if we have worked at it, our radar picks | | | | brain, sort of like the robot on "Lost in Space": "warning! |
| out people who are potentially good for us, and things | | | | warning! - danger Will Robinson." |
| work out. | | | | Then follow this 3 word Rx: "Run like hell!" |
| Unfortunately some folks have faulty relationship radar | | | | 4. Then make a list of positive characteristics in |
| that predictably chooses people who will eventually | | | | someone with whom you'd like to be in a relationship. |
| cause them pain. Here's what I mean: if your daughter | | | | This can be an ongoing and growing list that will guide |
| were to go to a party with 100 guys and there were | | | | you in re-setting your radar, and then in making a |
| two of them that were her "type", her faulty | | | | better choice. |
| relationship radar would pick them out in about five | | | | 5. Finally, here's a quick self-esteem raising exercise. |
| minutes tops. She would even find the other good | | | | Rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1 to 10, (with 1 the |
| guys "boring" or just "too nice." | | | | worst and 10 the best) in the following four |
| Now let's look at how faulty relationship radar gets set | | | | areas:where it is nowthe worst it's ever beenthe best |
| and then more importantly, how to change it. | | | | it's ever beenhow you would like it to be |
| How Relationship Radar Gets Set1. The model for | | | | Now it's time for some higher math: take the number |
| relationships we saw in our parents | | | | of where you would like your self-esteem to be (let's |
| 2. Our self-estee | | | | say 10) and subtract the number of where it is now (3 |
| Our relationship experience and history | | | | for example). Where I went to school, ten minus three |
| If you'll notice, two of these factors, the model we had | | | | is seven. (I'm such a show-off!) This means you have |
| and our relationship experience are things in the past | | | | 7 levels of self-esteem to reach your goal. While that's |
| that we cannot change. That's the bad news. The | | | | too big a chunk to handle all at once, you can break it |
| good news is that 1) we can be aware of and begin | | | | down into manageable pieces by asking this question: |
| to change past patterns, and 2) we can rather quickly | | | | "What will it take for me to go from a 3 to a 4, then a |
| and effectively change our self-esteem. | | | | 4 to a 5, and so on?" |
| How to Correct Your Relationship Radar | | | | Follow this path, and watch your self-esteem grow, |
| Here are five key strategies for correcting, or | | | | and your relationship radar change. |