| Dear Jane, | | | | resentment, hurt, fear, and/or sadness. If we want to |
| I was numb in my marriage for over ten years before | | | | make good decisions, we need to get beneath the |
| starting therapy. Now I recognize that I have been | | | | anger to our more vulnerable feelings. |
| angry and resentful towards my wife and want a | | | | Hearing about your anger and prior numbness, I |
| divorce. I was ready to tell her this the other night after | | | | imagine that underneath it you feel resentment |
| dinner. But we were watching Dr. Phil and he told a | | | | towards your wife. But underneath every resentment |
| woman who was in the same situation that she wasn't | | | | is a personal regret. What do you regret about your |
| ready for a divorce until she'd worked through all her | | | | own behavior? Do you regret being numb for so long? |
| anger and was clear headed. With a lot of conviction, | | | | Do you regret wasting precious years of your life |
| he said that as long as she could get riled up at her | | | | without experiencing intimacy with a partner? Do you |
| husband's behavior, she wasn't ready to leave. | | | | regret being too afraid to look at your marriage |
| Needless to say, that shut me up. Do you agree with | | | | honestly before now? |
| Dr. Phil? Am I not ready yet? Do I have to wait until I've | | | | Once you are honest with yourself about your regrets, |
| released all my anger? How will I know that I'm not just | | | | the next step is to give yourself compassion and |
| going numb again? | | | | forgive yourself. Take whatever time you require to |
| Dr. Phil's advice is based on the premise that most of | | | | do this until you are no longer in self-blame. Then you |
| us don't know how to work with our anger consciously | | | | will be clear enough to choose whether to stay or to |
| enough to make good decisions while in the throes of | | | | go. Even though you may not be done with feeling all |
| it. However, as I write about in Enough Is Enough!, | | | | your anger, every time it emerges, you will know how |
| anger can give us important information if we learn | | | | to work with it to get to your deeper truth. As you |
| how to listen to its meaning. | | | | become competent with your anger, it will no longer |
| Anger is a secondary emotion. In other words, we | | | | run you; it will serve to give you the valuable |
| may feel anger first, but underneath anger are | | | | information you need to make self-loving decisions. |