| Dear Jane, | | | | are resentment, hurt, fear, and/or sadness. |
| | | | If we want to make good decisions, we need to |
| I was numb in my marriage for over ten years | | | | get beneath the anger to our more vulnerable |
| before starting therapy. Now I recognize that | | | | feelings. |
| I have been angry and resentful towards my | | | | |
| wife and want a divorce. I was ready to tell | | | | Hearing about your anger and prior numbness, |
| her this the other night after dinner. But we | | | | I imagine that underneath it you feel |
| were watching Dr. Phil and he told a woman | | | | resentment towards your wife. But underneath |
| who was in the same situation that she wasn't | | | | every resentment is a personal regret. What |
| ready for a divorce until she'd worked | | | | do you regret about your own behavior? Do you |
| through all her anger and was clear headed. | | | | regret being numb for so long? Do you regret |
| With a lot of conviction, he said that as | | | | wasting precious years of your life without |
| long as she could get riled up at her | | | | experiencing intimacy with a partner? Do you |
| husband's behavior, she wasn't ready to | | | | regret being too afraid to look at your |
| leave. Needless to say, that shut me up. Do | | | | marriage honestly before now? |
| you agree with Dr. Phil? Am I not ready yet? | | | | |
| Do I have to wait until I've released all my | | | | Once you are honest with yourself about your |
| anger? How will I know that I'm not just | | | | regrets, the next step is to give yourself |
| going numb again? | | | | compassion and forgive yourself. Take |
| | | | whatever time you require to do this until |
| Dr. Phil's advice is based on the premise | | | | you are no longer in self-blame. Then you |
| that most of us don't know how to work with | | | | will be clear enough to choose whether to |
| our anger consciously enough to make good | | | | stay or to go. Even though you may not be |
| decisions while in the throes of it. However, | | | | done with feeling all your anger, every time |
| as I write about in Enough Is Enough!, anger | | | | it emerges, you will know how to work with it |
| can give us important information if we learn | | | | to get to your deeper truth. As you become |
| how to listen to its meaning. | | | | competent with your anger, it will no longer |
| | | | run you; it will serve to give you the |
| Anger is a secondary emotion. In other words, | | | | valuable information you need to make |
| we may feel anger first, but underneath anger | | | | self-loving decisions. |