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Making Love for a Lifetime: Seniors and Sexuality

We are sexual beings, throughout the to "achieve" climax, it
lifespan. This includes the later years short-changes both partners' pleasure
of life, which are often overlooked in and places enormous
discussions of sexuality. In this performance expectations and demands -
article I want to address some which can turn sex from
misconceptions about aging and sexuality; playful, spontaneous, pleasurable
report some survey information on sexual sensual intimacy between two
behavior among seniors; describe people who care about each other into
physical, psychological and medical something like a chore.I highly recommend
changes that may accompany aging; and Marty Klein's book Let Me Count the Ways:
suggest positive and affirming ways for Great Sex Without Intercourse as an
seniors to continue to enjoy their excellent guide and
sexuality to the fullest.I. Some Myths encouragement in your creativity. (For
about Aging and SexualityMany cultural more information about
"truths" convey the message that Marty Klien's book look on:
sexuality is for )Passionate kissing, oral sex, mutual
the young. If seniors are interested in masturbation, telling erotic stories to
sex there is something wrong with that. each other, massage, hugging, touching,
How many of the following myths and cuddling -- all of this can be great
stereotypes have you heard?- Older people sex!What is most important is pleasure -
don't have sex, don't want sex, don't giving and receiving
think about sex.- It's perverted for an physical and emotional pleasure. We are
older person to have sexual thoughts; all hungry to be
perhaps he is a "dirty old man".- Women touched. We need touch. Without touch,
don't want sex, aren't interested in sex, babies do not thrive,
and are only going along with what men and may even die. Grownups need to be
want.- When you get "old", you can't have touched too. (If you're
sex.- Sex is for younger adults. (I saw reading this and do not have a partner
a cross-stitched sampler once which said in your life, remember
"Kissing don't last - cooking do".)- If that self-pleasure can be a very
you can't have sex like a porn star, you important aspect of self-care
have no business trying it at all.These and nurture. It is always possible to
are all misleading and incorrect choose pleasure for
stereotypes. It is oneself!)B. Psychological ChangesThe
important to recognize that sexuality is aging process may have psychological and
a central part of healthy living - all emotional effects -
our lives!II. Survey Information: What's particularly as we live in a culture
Happening Out There?Three recent national that glorifies youth and
surveys of older Americans have focused extols youthfulness as the epitome of
on physical beauty. (I would
sexuality and sexual behavior. "Healthy remind us all that this is
Sexuality and Vital market-driven: marketers learned long
Aging" (1998) was funded by Pfizer and ago that younger people are more likely
sponsored by the National to spend disposable
Council on the Aging (NCOA) and surveyed income, and are more influenceable by
over 1300 people. The advertising.)- We may be embarrassed or
American Association of Retired Persons ashamed of our sexual needs as an older
(AARP) sponsored national surveys in 1999 adult.What to do: Get over it! Join the
and again in 2004. "Sexuality at Midlife party. You deserve pleasure in your
and Beyond" looked at a nationally life, from birth until the day you die.-
representative group of 1700 adults aged Changes in appearance affect how we feel
45 and older.The NCOA survey found that about ourselves. Bodies no longer match
almost half of seniors over sixty are the idealized body images we see in
sexually active; 39% want sex more advertising and the media.What to do:
often. The majority of Realize that media has created the
respondents reported having sex less youthful ideal of beauty. Celebrate and
often now than when they love the body you have! Every wrinkle,
were in their forties - 82% of men and stretch mark, gray hair, rounded contour,
63% of women.61% of men and 62% of women ache and pain is a mark of your
find sex equal to or more physically ever-increasing maturity and wisdom!
satisfying than it was in their forties. Bette Midler once said that if you are a
With regard to woman and consider yourself unattractive
emotional satisfaction, 76% of men and -- visit another culture for a wake-up
69% of women found sex to call. American stereothypes of physical
be at least as emotionally satisfying as attractiveness are insane dreams invented
in their forties.72% of men and 47% of by marketers who are playing on our
women consider sex important to their anxieties and insecurities in order to
relationship with their partner. Men, sell us more products.- Worrying about
however, were more than sexual performance may actually reduce
twice as likely as women to report the body's ability to perform sexually;
wanting sex more frequently. men may experience erectile dysfunction,
This was true in all age segments - even women an inability to lubricate.What to
in men 80 and older.The AARP study found do: Relax! Relax... Enjoy your
that the proportion of men who've tried partner. Look into his or her eyes.
potency-enhancing medicines, hormones, Breathe together. Cuddle, stroke, gently
or other treatments has massage each other. Sexuality is about
doubled since 1999. The majority (68%) pleasure, playfulness, and spontaneity.-
report the treatments Depression may reduce energy, optimism
have increased their sexual and desire.What to do: Exercise, do
satisfaction. Their wives also pleasurable activites, get sun on your
reported increased pleasure for face every day. Talk with your doctor
themselves.63% of men and women with about an antidepressant medication. See
partners described themselves as either a therapist. Talk with your friends.
extremely satisfied or somewhat satisfied Write your feelings in a journal. Any
with their sex lives. 51% of men and positive action taken - even drinking a
women surveyed reported having sexual glass of water! - is a step towards
thoughts, fantasies, or erotic dreams at moving out of depression.C. Changes Due
least once a week.50% of women in the to Medications and SurgeryChronic pain or
45-49 age range reported that they surgery and illness that cause fatigue
masturbate; 20% of women 70 and older can make
said they masturbated. A sexual activities more challenging or
majority of all women - even those painful.What to do: Talk about it. Slow
70-plus - told AARP that self- down, focus on simple pleasureable
stimulation is an important part of activities. Experiment with different
sexual pleasure at any age.Both these positions or activities to discover what
surveys, based on scientifically is most pleasureful.Some commonly used
randomized samples, medications can interfere with sexual
indicate that seniors are having sex, function. High blood pressure
thinking about sex, medications can reduce desire and
enjoying sex - and taking steps to impair erection in men and lubrication
increase their enjoyment and in women. Some
pleasure. Clearly sexuality is antihistamines, antidepressants and
important to older Americans, acid-blocking drugs can have side effects
contrary to popular stereotypes!III. that affect sexual function.What to do:
Natural Changes Occurring With AgingMost Talk with your doctor about how to
of us reading this are not twenty years minimize these effects. It may be
old any more! Our possible to substitute alternative
bodies are constantly changing - though medications that work as well as the
many of us are in denial. Orthopedic original, but without affecting sexual
medicine is one of the fastest-growing function.IV. Improving Sex as You
medical specialities, treating rotator AgeDavid Schnarch, in his book Passionate
cuff injuries, tennis elbow, injured Marriage emphasizes that
backs, torn cartilage, blown ACLs - in people become better lovers as they age.
aging baby This runs counter to
boomers. We're not ready to give it cultural stereotypes which hold that sex
up!Your body changes as you age, and is for the young. Older persons have
these changes can affect your learned a few things over time, and no
sexual relationships.A. Physical longer
ChangesTestosterone regulates your sex struggle with youthful anxieties and
drive whether you're a man or a ignorance about sexuality.
woman. Most aging men and women produce (For more information about David
enough testosterone to Schnarch's book, look on:
maintain their interest in sex, though )With age and maturity, it is more
patches and creams can possible to slow down and
provide an alternative source of the deeply experience all the pleasure that
hormone to boost desire if sensual sexuality has to
needed.Men and women experience offer. It is possible to learn how to
different changes in their bodies as combine deep relaxation
they age.-- Women --Most physical with high states of arousal in order to
changes are linked to menopause and have more intense,
reduced longer-lasting sexual experiences.-
estrogen levels. As you age, it takes Expand your definition of sex. Sex is
longer for your vagina to more than intercourse!- Communicate with
swell and lubricate when you're sexually your partner. Talk about what you need
aroused. Your vagina and what you like. Discuss the changes
also loses some elasticity. Together you're going through. Ask your partner
these can make intercourse about his or her needs and how to be
less comfortable or even painful.What to accomodating. Communication itself can
do:- Longer foreplay increases natural be arousing!- Make changes to your
lubrication.- Use water-based lubricants, routine. Change the time of day in which
such as Astroglide, Probe or Silk.- you have sexual activity. Mornings or
Estrogen creams or hormone replacement afternoons may be better than at night
therapy can rejuvenate vaginal tissue.- when you are tired or achy. Take more
Regular intercourse helps maintain time to set the stage for romance:
lubrication and elasticity.- Do Kegel romantic dinners or an evening of dancing
exercises to keep the pelvic floor or a special time or place for
muscles toned.- If you haven't had lovemaking. Try a new sexual position.-
intercourse for a while, realize it takes Manage your expectations. If you didn't
time to stretch out - go slowly!- have sex very often as a younger adult,
Minimize any pain or discomfort. Desire don't expect to have lots of sex as an
usually returns once any discomfort is older adult. Partners who enjoy frequent
relieved.-- Men --As you age, it might sex when they are younger are more likely
take longer to achieve an erection; it to continue that as they age.- Take care
may of yourself. Eat a healthy diet and
be less firm and it may not last as exercise regularly, at least 30 minutes a
long. Aging also increases day. Avoid alcohol as it decreases
the time between possible sexual function in both men and women.
ejaculations.What to do:- Relax, stop Do your Kegel exercises every day.-
worrying about it! Anxiety makes it Practice safe sex. If you have a new
worse.- Let go of performance partner, get tested. Use condoms. People
expectations. American media is filled over 50 make up about 10% of AIDS cases
with messages implying that masculinity in the United StatesMost of all, simply
and virility is equated with youthful enjoy the pleasureful sensations which
performance.- Kegel exercises are very your
helpful for men also, to tone the pelvic body is amply equipped to experience.
floor musculature.- Take longer with Take time to nurture your
sexual activities. You may also need relationship with your partner so that
more direct physical stimulation.- Try you are feeling
different positions, for comfort and emotionally connected. Approach your
extra stimulation.- Focus on pleasurable sexual relationship with
sensations, rather than on hurrying playfulness, humor, patience and
towards orgasm and ejaculation.- Viagra, love.Sexual pleasure is part of the
Cialis or Levitra may help intensify birthright of being human - and it is a
erections.- Other medical devices, such lifelong resource for joy, health and
as pumps, drugs and implants have been personal growth.For further resources on
developed. I would encourage a natural Seniors and Sexuality - books, magazine
and relaxed exploration of sexual articles, films and Internet resources -
possibilities before submitting to an see my Resource page at
expensive and invasive medical resources are listed in The Guide to
procedure.Intercourse is Not the Only Way Self-Help Books,
to Have Sex!Helen Gurley Brown, author of Relevant sections of the Guide
Sex and the Single Girl, has said, include Sexuality, Men's Sexual Health,
"When people say they can't have sex Women's Sexual Health,
because they have a bad Intimate Relationships, Gay and Lesbian
back, or arthritis, or all of the things Concerns and Tantra.------------Attention
that can affect our Publishers & Webmasters:(c) 2005.
bodies as we get older, I think what Permission is granted to reprint this
they're really saying is article in its
they're looking for an excuse not to entirety in your ezine or on your
have sex. When you care, website as long as you leave
you find that there are all sorts of all links in place, do not modify the
ways to express sensuality."Sexual content and include our
ignorance, cultural values and media resource paragraph above. If you do use
images combine to the material please drop
"sell" the story that sex = intercourse me a note so I can take a look.
- and having an orgasm is the way to tell Thanks!David Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator
if you're accomplishing anything!This of The Guide to Self-Help
mindset gets everything backwards. The Books, and co-author of Self-Help
purpose of having Central, an ezine to help you build a
huge concentrations of nerve endings and better life with self-help
pleasure receptors in resources. He is a Licensed Clinical
our genitals is to experience pleasure. Psychologist and Certified
While orgasms are Sex Therapist in private practice in
wonderful, when sex becomes goal-driven Nashville, TN.




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