| We are sexual beings, throughout the | | | | short-changes both partners' pleasure and |
| lifespan. This includes the later years of | | | | places enormous |
| life, which are often overlooked in | | | | |
| discussions of sexuality. In this article I | | | | performance expectations and demands - which |
| want to address some misconceptions about | | | | can turn sex from |
| aging and sexuality; report some survey | | | | |
| information on sexual behavior among seniors; | | | | playful, spontaneous, pleasurable sensual |
| describe physical, psychological and medical | | | | intimacy between two |
| changes that may accompany aging; and suggest | | | | |
| positive and affirming ways for seniors to | | | | people who care about each other into |
| continue to enjoy their sexuality to the | | | | something like a chore.I highly recommend |
| fullest.I. Some Myths about Aging and | | | | Marty Klein's book Let Me Count the Ways: |
| SexualityMany cultural "truths" convey the | | | | |
| message that sexuality is for | | | | Great Sex Without Intercourse as an |
| | | | excellent guide and |
| the young. If seniors are interested in sex | | | | |
| there is something wrong with that. How many | | | | encouragement in your creativity. (For more |
| of the following myths and stereotypes have | | | | information about |
| you heard?- Older people don't have sex, | | | | |
| don't want sex, don't think about sex.- It's | | | | Marty Klien's book look on: |
| perverted for an older person to have sexual | | | | |
| thoughts; perhaps he is a "dirty old man".- | | | | )Passionate kissing, oral sex, mutual |
| Women don't want sex, aren't interested in | | | | masturbation, telling erotic stories to each |
| sex, and are only going along with what men | | | | other, massage, hugging, touching, cuddling |
| want.- When you get "old", you can't have | | | | -- all of this can be great sex!What is most |
| sex.- Sex is for younger adults. (I saw a | | | | important is pleasure - giving and receiving |
| cross-stitched sampler once which said | | | | |
| "Kissing don't last - cooking do".)- If you | | | | physical and emotional pleasure. We are all |
| can't have sex like a porn star, you have no | | | | hungry to be |
| business trying it at all.These are all | | | | |
| misleading and incorrect stereotypes. It is | | | | touched. We need touch. Without touch, |
| | | | babies do not thrive, |
| important to recognize that sexuality is a | | | | |
| central part of healthy living - all our | | | | and may even die. Grownups need to be |
| lives!II. Survey Information: What's | | | | touched too. (If you're |
| Happening Out There?Three recent national | | | | |
| surveys of older Americans have focused on | | | | reading this and do not have a partner in |
| | | | your life, remember |
| sexuality and sexual behavior. "Healthy | | | | |
| Sexuality and Vital | | | | that self-pleasure can be a very important |
| | | | aspect of self-care |
| Aging" (1998) was funded by Pfizer and | | | | |
| sponsored by the National | | | | and nurture. It is always possible to |
| | | | choose pleasure for |
| Council on the Aging (NCOA) and surveyed | | | | |
| over 1300 people. The | | | | oneself!)B. Psychological ChangesThe aging |
| | | | process may have psychological and emotional |
| American Association of Retired Persons | | | | effects - |
| (AARP) sponsored national surveys in 1999 and | | | | |
| again in 2004. "Sexuality at Midlife and | | | | particularly as we live in a culture that |
| Beyond" looked at a nationally representative | | | | glorifies youth and |
| group of 1700 adults aged 45 and older.The | | | | |
| NCOA survey found that almost half of seniors | | | | extols youthfulness as the epitome of |
| over sixty are | | | | physical beauty. (I would |
| | | | |
| sexually active; 39% want sex more often. | | | | remind us all that this is market-driven: |
| The majority of | | | | marketers learned long |
| | | | |
| respondents reported having sex less often | | | | ago that younger people are more likely to |
| now than when they | | | | spend disposable |
| | | | |
| were in their forties - 82% of men and 63% | | | | income, and are more influenceable by |
| of women.61% of men and 62% of women find sex | | | | advertising.)- We may be embarrassed or |
| equal to or more physically | | | | ashamed of our sexual needs as an older |
| | | | adult.What to do: Get over it! Join the |
| satisfying than it was in their forties. | | | | party. You deserve pleasure in your life, |
| With regard to | | | | from birth until the day you die.- Changes in |
| | | | appearance affect how we feel about |
| emotional satisfaction, 76% of men and 69% | | | | ourselves. Bodies no longer match the |
| of women found sex to | | | | idealized body images we see in advertising |
| | | | and the media.What to do: Realize that media |
| be at least as emotionally satisfying as in | | | | has created the youthful ideal of beauty. |
| their forties.72% of men and 47% of women | | | | Celebrate and love the body you have! Every |
| consider sex important to their | | | | wrinkle, stretch mark, gray hair, rounded |
| | | | contour, ache and pain is a mark of your |
| relationship with their partner. Men, | | | | ever-increasing maturity and wisdom! Bette |
| however, were more than | | | | Midler once said that if you are a woman and |
| | | | consider yourself unattractive -- visit |
| twice as likely as women to report wanting | | | | another culture for a wake-up call. American |
| sex more frequently. | | | | stereothypes of physical attractiveness are |
| | | | insane dreams invented by marketers who are |
| This was true in all age segments - even in | | | | playing on our anxieties and insecurities in |
| men 80 and older.The AARP study found that | | | | order to sell us more products.- Worrying |
| the proportion of men who've tried | | | | about sexual performance may actually reduce |
| | | | the body's ability to perform sexually; men |
| potency-enhancing medicines, hormones, or | | | | may experience erectile dysfunction, women an |
| other treatments has | | | | inability to lubricate.What to do: Relax! |
| | | | Relax... Enjoy your partner. Look into his |
| doubled since 1999. The majority (68%) | | | | or her eyes. Breathe together. Cuddle, |
| report the treatments | | | | stroke, gently massage each other. Sexuality |
| | | | is about pleasure, playfulness, and |
| have increased their sexual satisfaction. | | | | spontaneity.- Depression may reduce energy, |
| Their wives also | | | | optimism and desire.What to do: Exercise, do |
| | | | pleasurable activites, get sun on your face |
| reported increased pleasure for | | | | every day. Talk with your doctor about an |
| themselves.63% of men and women with partners | | | | antidepressant medication. See a therapist. |
| described themselves as either extremely | | | | Talk with your friends. Write your feelings |
| satisfied or somewhat satisfied with their | | | | in a journal. Any positive action taken - |
| sex lives. 51% of men and women surveyed | | | | even drinking a glass of water! - is a step |
| reported having sexual thoughts, fantasies, | | | | towards moving out of depression.C. Changes |
| or erotic dreams at least once a week.50% of | | | | Due to Medications and SurgeryChronic pain or |
| women in the 45-49 age range reported that | | | | surgery and illness that cause fatigue can |
| they | | | | make |
| | | | |
| masturbate; 20% of women 70 and older said | | | | sexual activities more challenging or |
| they masturbated. A | | | | painful.What to do: Talk about it. Slow |
| | | | down, focus on simple pleasureable |
| majority of all women - even those 70-plus - | | | | activities. Experiment with different |
| told AARP that self- stimulation is an | | | | positions or activities to discover what is |
| important part of sexual pleasure at any | | | | most pleasureful.Some commonly used |
| age.Both these surveys, based on | | | | medications can interfere with sexual |
| scientifically randomized samples, | | | | |
| | | | function. High blood pressure medications |
| indicate that seniors are having sex, | | | | can reduce desire and |
| thinking about sex, | | | | |
| | | | impair erection in men and lubrication in |
| enjoying sex - and taking steps to increase | | | | women. Some |
| their enjoyment and | | | | |
| | | | antihistamines, antidepressants and |
| pleasure. Clearly sexuality is important to | | | | acid-blocking drugs can have side effects |
| older Americans, | | | | that affect sexual function.What to do: Talk |
| | | | with your doctor about how to minimize these |
| contrary to popular stereotypes!III. | | | | effects. It may be possible to substitute |
| Natural Changes Occurring With AgingMost of | | | | alternative medications that work as well as |
| us reading this are not twenty years old any | | | | the original, but without affecting sexual |
| more! Our | | | | function.IV. Improving Sex as You AgeDavid |
| | | | Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage |
| bodies are constantly changing - though many | | | | emphasizes that |
| of us are in denial. Orthopedic medicine is | | | | |
| one of the fastest-growing medical | | | | people become better lovers as they age. |
| specialities, treating rotator cuff injuries, | | | | This runs counter to |
| tennis elbow, injured backs, torn cartilage, | | | | |
| blown ACLs - in aging baby | | | | cultural stereotypes which hold that sex is |
| | | | for the young. Older persons have learned a |
| boomers. We're not ready to give it up!Your | | | | few things over time, and no longer |
| body changes as you age, and these changes | | | | |
| can affect your | | | | struggle with youthful anxieties and |
| | | | ignorance about sexuality. |
| sexual relationships.A. Physical | | | | |
| ChangesTestosterone regulates your sex drive | | | | (For more information about David Schnarch's |
| whether you're a man or a | | | | book, look on: |
| | | | |
| woman. Most aging men and women produce | | | | )With age and maturity, it is more possible |
| enough testosterone to | | | | to slow down and |
| | | | |
| maintain their interest in sex, though | | | | deeply experience all the pleasure that |
| patches and creams can | | | | sensual sexuality has to |
| | | | |
| provide an alternative source of the hormone | | | | offer. It is possible to learn how to |
| to boost desire if | | | | combine deep relaxation |
| | | | |
| needed.Men and women experience different | | | | with high states of arousal in order to have |
| changes in their bodies as | | | | more intense, |
| | | | |
| they age.-- Women --Most physical changes | | | | longer-lasting sexual experiences.- Expand |
| are linked to menopause and reduced | | | | your definition of sex. Sex is more than |
| | | | intercourse!- Communicate with your partner. |
| estrogen levels. As you age, it takes | | | | Talk about what you need and what you like. |
| longer for your vagina to | | | | Discuss the changes you're going through. Ask |
| | | | your partner about his or her needs and how |
| swell and lubricate when you're sexually | | | | to be accomodating. Communication itself can |
| aroused. Your vagina | | | | be arousing!- Make changes to your routine. |
| | | | Change the time of day in which you have |
| also loses some elasticity. Together these | | | | sexual activity. Mornings or afternoons may |
| can make intercourse | | | | be better than at night when you are tired or |
| | | | achy. Take more time to set the stage for |
| less comfortable or even painful.What to | | | | romance: romantic dinners or an evening of |
| do:- Longer foreplay increases natural | | | | dancing or a special time or place for |
| lubrication.- Use water-based lubricants, | | | | lovemaking. Try a new sexual position.- |
| such as Astroglide, Probe or Silk.- Estrogen | | | | Manage your expectations. If you didn't have |
| creams or hormone replacement therapy can | | | | sex very often as a younger adult, don't |
| rejuvenate vaginal tissue.- Regular | | | | expect to have lots of sex as an older adult. |
| intercourse helps maintain lubrication and | | | | Partners who enjoy frequent sex when they |
| elasticity.- Do Kegel exercises to keep the | | | | are younger are more likely to continue that |
| pelvic floor muscles toned.- If you haven't | | | | as they age.- Take care of yourself. Eat a |
| had intercourse for a while, realize it takes | | | | healthy diet and exercise regularly, at least |
| time to stretch out - go slowly!- Minimize | | | | 30 minutes a day. Avoid alcohol as it |
| any pain or discomfort. Desire usually | | | | decreases sexual function in both men and |
| returns once any discomfort is relieved.-- | | | | women. Do your Kegel exercises every day.- |
| Men --As you age, it might take longer to | | | | Practice safe sex. If you have a new |
| achieve an erection; it may | | | | partner, get tested. Use condoms. People |
| | | | over 50 make up about 10% of AIDS cases in |
| be less firm and it may not last as long. | | | | the United StatesMost of all, simply enjoy |
| Aging also increases | | | | the pleasureful sensations which your |
| | | | |
| the time between possible ejaculations.What | | | | body is amply equipped to experience. Take |
| to do:- Relax, stop worrying about it! | | | | time to nurture your |
| Anxiety makes it worse.- Let go of | | | | |
| performance expectations. American media is | | | | relationship with your partner so that you |
| filled with messages implying that | | | | are feeling |
| masculinity and virility is equated with | | | | |
| youthful performance.- Kegel exercises are | | | | emotionally connected. Approach your sexual |
| very helpful for men also, to tone the pelvic | | | | relationship with |
| floor musculature.- Take longer with sexual | | | | |
| activities. You may also need more direct | | | | playfulness, humor, patience and love.Sexual |
| physical stimulation.- Try different | | | | pleasure is part of the birthright of being |
| positions, for comfort and extra | | | | human - and it is a lifelong resource for |
| stimulation.- Focus on pleasurable | | | | joy, health and personal growth.For further |
| sensations, rather than on hurrying towards | | | | resources on Seniors and Sexuality - books, |
| orgasm and ejaculation.- Viagra, Cialis or | | | | magazine |
| Levitra may help intensify erections.- Other | | | | |
| medical devices, such as pumps, drugs and | | | | articles, films and Internet resources - see |
| implants have been developed. I would | | | | my Resource page at |
| encourage a natural and relaxed exploration | | | | |
| of sexual possibilities before submitting to | | | | resources are listed in The Guide to |
| an expensive and invasive medical | | | | Self-Help Books, |
| procedure.Intercourse is Not the Only Way to | | | | |
| Have Sex!Helen Gurley Brown, author of Sex | | | | Relevant sections of the Guide |
| and the Single Girl, has said, | | | | |
| | | | include Sexuality, Men's Sexual Health, |
| "When people say they can't have sex because | | | | Women's Sexual Health, |
| they have a bad | | | | |
| | | | Intimate Relationships, Gay and Lesbian |
| back, or arthritis, or all of the things | | | | Concerns and Tantra.------------Attention |
| that can affect our | | | | Publishers & Webmasters:(c) 2005. Permission |
| | | | is granted to reprint this article in its |
| bodies as we get older, I think what they're | | | | |
| really saying is | | | | entirety in your ezine or on your website as |
| | | | long as you leave |
| they're looking for an excuse not to have | | | | |
| sex. When you care, | | | | all links in place, do not modify the |
| | | | content and include our |
| you find that there are all sorts of ways to | | | | |
| express sensuality."Sexual ignorance, | | | | resource paragraph above. If you do use the |
| cultural values and media images combine to | | | | material please drop |
| | | | |
| "sell" the story that sex = intercourse - | | | | me a note so I can take a look. Thanks!David |
| and having an orgasm is the way to tell if | | | | Yarian, Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to |
| you're accomplishing anything!This mindset | | | | Self-Help |
| gets everything backwards. The purpose of | | | | |
| having | | | | Books, and co-author of Self-Help |
| | | | |
| huge concentrations of nerve endings and | | | | Central, an ezine to help you build a better |
| pleasure receptors in | | | | life with self-help |
| | | | |
| our genitals is to experience pleasure. | | | | resources. He is a Licensed Clinical |
| While orgasms are | | | | Psychologist and Certified |
| | | | |
| wonderful, when sex becomes goal-driven to | | | | Sex Therapist in private practice in |
| "achieve" climax, it | | | | Nashville, TN. |
| | | | |