| We are sexual beings, throughout the lifespan. This | | | | "achieve" climax, it |
| includes the later years of life, which are often | | | | short-changes both partners' pleasure and places |
| overlooked in discussions of sexuality. In this article I | | | | enormous |
| want to address some misconceptions about aging | | | | performance expectations and demands - which can |
| and sexuality; report some survey information on | | | | turn sex from |
| sexual behavior among seniors; describe physical, | | | | playful, spontaneous, pleasurable sensual intimacy |
| psychological and medical changes that may | | | | between two |
| accompany aging; and suggest positive and affirming | | | | people who care about each other into something like |
| ways for seniors to continue to enjoy their sexuality to | | | | a chore.I highly recommend Marty Klein's book Let Me |
| the fullest.I. Some Myths about Aging and | | | | Count the Ways: |
| SexualityMany cultural "truths" convey the message | | | | Great Sex Without Intercourse as an excellent guide |
| that sexuality is for | | | | and |
| the young. If seniors are interested in sex there is | | | | encouragement in your creativity. (For more |
| something wrong with that. How many of the following | | | | information about |
| myths and stereotypes have you heard?- Older | | | | Marty Klien's book look on: |
| people don't have sex, don't want sex, don't think | | | | )Passionate kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, |
| about sex.- It's perverted for an older person to have | | | | telling erotic stories to each other, massage, hugging, |
| sexual thoughts; perhaps he is a "dirty old man".- | | | | touching, cuddling -- all of this can be great sex!What is |
| Women don't want sex, aren't interested in sex, and | | | | most important is pleasure - giving and receiving |
| are only going along with what men want.- When you | | | | physical and emotional pleasure. We are all hungry to |
| get "old", you can't have sex.- Sex is for younger | | | | be |
| adults. (I saw a cross-stitched sampler once which said | | | | touched. We need touch. Without touch, babies do not |
| "Kissing don't last - cooking do".)- If you can't have sex | | | | thrive, |
| like a porn star, you have no business trying it at | | | | and may even die. Grownups need to be touched |
| all.These are all misleading and incorrect stereotypes. It | | | | too. (If you're |
| is | | | | reading this and do not have a partner in your life, |
| important to recognize that sexuality is a central part | | | | remember |
| of healthy living - all our lives!II. Survey Information: | | | | that self-pleasure can be a very important aspect of |
| What's Happening Out There?Three recent national | | | | self-care |
| surveys of older Americans have focused on | | | | and nurture. It is always possible to choose pleasure |
| sexuality and sexual behavior. "Healthy Sexuality and | | | | for |
| Vital | | | | oneself!)B. Psychological ChangesThe aging process |
| Aging" (1998) was funded by Pfizer and sponsored | | | | may have psychological and emotional effects - |
| by the National | | | | particularly as we live in a culture that glorifies youth |
| Council on the Aging (NCOA) and surveyed over | | | | and |
| 1300 people. The | | | | extols youthfulness as the epitome of physical beauty. |
| American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) | | | | (I would |
| sponsored national surveys in 1999 and again in 2004. | | | | remind us all that this is market-driven: marketers |
| "Sexuality at Midlife and Beyond" looked at a nationally | | | | learned long |
| representative group of 1700 adults aged 45 and | | | | ago that younger people are more likely to spend |
| older.The NCOA survey found that almost half of | | | | disposable |
| seniors over sixty are | | | | income, and are more influenceable by advertising.)- |
| sexually active; 39% want sex more often. The | | | | We may be embarrassed or ashamed of our sexual |
| majority of | | | | needs as an older adult.What to do: Get over it! Join |
| respondents reported having sex less often now than | | | | the party. You deserve pleasure in your life, from birth |
| when they | | | | until the day you die.- Changes in appearance affect |
| were in their forties - 82% of men and 63% of | | | | how we feel about ourselves. Bodies no longer match |
| women.61% of men and 62% of women find sex | | | | the idealized body images we see in advertising and |
| equal to or more physically | | | | the media.What to do: Realize that media has created |
| satisfying than it was in their forties. With regard to | | | | the youthful ideal of beauty. Celebrate and love the |
| emotional satisfaction, 76% of men and 69% of | | | | body you have! Every wrinkle, stretch mark, gray hair, |
| women found sex to | | | | rounded contour, ache and pain is a mark of your |
| be at least as emotionally satisfying as in their | | | | ever-increasing maturity and wisdom! Bette Midler |
| forties.72% of men and 47% of women consider sex | | | | once said that if you are a woman and consider |
| important to their | | | | yourself unattractive -- visit another culture for a |
| relationship with their partner. Men, however, were | | | | wake-up call. American stereothypes of physical |
| more than | | | | attractiveness are insane dreams invented by |
| twice as likely as women to report wanting sex more | | | | marketers who are playing on our anxieties and |
| frequently. | | | | insecurities in order to sell us more products.- Worrying |
| This was true in all age segments - even in men 80 | | | | about sexual performance may actually reduce the |
| and older.The AARP study found that the proportion | | | | body's ability to perform sexually; men may experience |
| of men who've tried | | | | erectile dysfunction, women an inability to |
| potency-enhancing medicines, hormones, or other | | | | lubricate.What to do: Relax! Relax... Enjoy your partner. |
| treatments has | | | | Look into his or her eyes. Breathe together. Cuddle, |
| doubled since 1999. The majority (68%) report the | | | | stroke, gently massage each other. Sexuality is about |
| treatments | | | | pleasure, playfulness, and spontaneity.- Depression |
| have increased their sexual satisfaction. Their wives | | | | may reduce energy, optimism and desire.What to do: |
| also | | | | Exercise, do pleasurable activites, get sun on your |
| reported increased pleasure for themselves.63% of | | | | face every day. Talk with your doctor about an |
| men and women with partners described themselves | | | | antidepressant medication. See a therapist. Talk with |
| as either extremely satisfied or somewhat satisfied | | | | your friends. Write your feelings in a journal. Any |
| with their sex lives. 51% of men and women surveyed | | | | positive action taken - even drinking a glass of water! - |
| reported having sexual thoughts, fantasies, or erotic | | | | is a step towards moving out of depression.C. |
| dreams at least once a week.50% of women in the | | | | Changes Due to Medications and SurgeryChronic pain |
| 45-49 age range reported that they | | | | or surgery and illness that cause fatigue can make |
| masturbate; 20% of women 70 and older said they | | | | sexual activities more challenging or painful.What to |
| masturbated. A | | | | do: Talk about it. Slow down, focus on simple |
| majority of all women - even those 70-plus - told | | | | pleasureable activities. Experiment with different |
| AARP that self- stimulation is an important part of | | | | positions or activities to discover what is most |
| sexual pleasure at any age.Both these surveys, based | | | | pleasureful.Some commonly used medications can |
| on scientifically randomized samples, | | | | interfere with sexual |
| indicate that seniors are having sex, thinking about | | | | function. High blood pressure medications can reduce |
| sex, | | | | desire and |
| enjoying sex - and taking steps to increase their | | | | impair erection in men and lubrication in women. Some |
| enjoyment and | | | | antihistamines, antidepressants and acid-blocking drugs |
| pleasure. Clearly sexuality is important to older | | | | can have side effects that affect sexual function.What |
| Americans, | | | | to do: Talk with your doctor about how to minimize |
| contrary to popular stereotypes!III. Natural Changes | | | | these effects. It may be possible to substitute |
| Occurring With AgingMost of us reading this are not | | | | alternative medications that work as well as the |
| twenty years old any more! Our | | | | original, but without affecting sexual function.IV. |
| bodies are constantly changing - though many of us | | | | Improving Sex as You AgeDavid Schnarch, in his book |
| are in denial. Orthopedic medicine is one of the | | | | Passionate Marriage emphasizes that |
| fastest-growing medical specialities, treating rotator | | | | people become better lovers as they age. This runs |
| cuff injuries, tennis elbow, injured backs, torn cartilage, | | | | counter to |
| blown ACLs - in aging baby | | | | cultural stereotypes which hold that sex is for the |
| boomers. We're not ready to give it up!Your body | | | | young. Older persons have learned a few things over |
| changes as you age, and these changes can affect | | | | time, and no longer |
| your | | | | struggle with youthful anxieties and ignorance about |
| sexual relationships.A. Physical ChangesTestosterone | | | | sexuality. |
| regulates your sex drive whether you're a man or a | | | | (For more information about David Schnarch's book, |
| woman. Most aging men and women produce enough | | | | look on: |
| testosterone to | | | | )With age and maturity, it is more possible to slow |
| maintain their interest in sex, though patches and | | | | down and |
| creams can | | | | deeply experience all the pleasure that sensual |
| provide an alternative source of the hormone to | | | | sexuality has to |
| boost desire if | | | | offer. It is possible to learn how to combine deep |
| needed.Men and women experience different | | | | relaxation |
| changes in their bodies as | | | | with high states of arousal in order to have more |
| they age.-- Women --Most physical changes are | | | | intense, |
| linked to menopause and reduced | | | | longer-lasting sexual experiences.- Expand your |
| estrogen levels. As you age, it takes longer for your | | | | definition of sex. Sex is more than intercourse!- |
| vagina to | | | | Communicate with your partner. Talk about what you |
| swell and lubricate when you're sexually aroused. | | | | need and what you like. Discuss the changes you're |
| Your vagina | | | | going through. Ask your partner about his or her needs |
| also loses some elasticity. Together these can make | | | | and how to be accomodating. Communication itself |
| intercourse | | | | can be arousing!- Make changes to your routine. |
| less comfortable or even painful.What to do:- Longer | | | | Change the time of day in which you have sexual |
| foreplay increases natural lubrication.- Use | | | | activity. Mornings or afternoons may be better than at |
| water-based lubricants, such as Astroglide, Probe or | | | | night when you are tired or achy. Take more time to |
| Silk.- Estrogen creams or hormone replacement | | | | set the stage for romance: romantic dinners or an |
| therapy can rejuvenate vaginal tissue.- Regular | | | | evening of dancing or a special time or place for |
| intercourse helps maintain lubrication and elasticity.- Do | | | | lovemaking. Try a new sexual position.- Manage your |
| Kegel exercises to keep the pelvic floor muscles | | | | expectations. If you didn't have sex very often as a |
| toned.- If you haven't had intercourse for a while, | | | | younger adult, don't expect to have lots of sex as an |
| realize it takes time to stretch out - go slowly!- | | | | older adult. Partners who enjoy frequent sex when |
| Minimize any pain or discomfort. Desire usually returns | | | | they are younger are more likely to continue that as |
| once any discomfort is relieved.-- Men --As you age, it | | | | they age.- Take care of yourself. Eat a healthy diet |
| might take longer to achieve an erection; it may | | | | and exercise regularly, at least 30 minutes a day. |
| be less firm and it may not last as long. Aging also | | | | Avoid alcohol as it decreases sexual function in both |
| increases | | | | men and women. Do your Kegel exercises every |
| the time between possible ejaculations.What to do:- | | | | day.- Practice safe sex. If you have a new partner, |
| Relax, stop worrying about it! Anxiety makes it worse.- | | | | get tested. Use condoms. People over 50 make up |
| Let go of performance expectations. American media | | | | about 10% of AIDS cases in the United StatesMost of |
| is filled with messages implying that masculinity and | | | | all, simply enjoy the pleasureful sensations which your |
| virility is equated with youthful performance.- Kegel | | | | body is amply equipped to experience. Take time to |
| exercises are very helpful for men also, to tone the | | | | nurture your |
| pelvic floor musculature.- Take longer with sexual | | | | relationship with your partner so that you are feeling |
| activities. You may also need more direct physical | | | | emotionally connected. Approach your sexual |
| stimulation.- Try different positions, for comfort and | | | | relationship with |
| extra stimulation.- Focus on pleasurable sensations, | | | | playfulness, humor, patience and love.Sexual pleasure |
| rather than on hurrying towards orgasm and | | | | is part of the birthright of being human - and it is a |
| ejaculation.- Viagra, Cialis or Levitra may help intensify | | | | lifelong resource for joy, health and personal |
| erections.- Other medical devices, such as pumps, | | | | growth.For further resources on Seniors and Sexuality |
| drugs and implants have been developed. I would | | | | - books, magazine |
| encourage a natural and relaxed exploration of sexual | | | | articles, films and Internet resources - see my |
| possibilities before submitting to an expensive and | | | | Resource page at |
| invasive medical procedure.Intercourse is Not the Only | | | | resources are listed in The Guide to Self-Help Books, |
| Way to Have Sex!Helen Gurley Brown, author of Sex | | | | Relevant sections of the Guide |
| and the Single Girl, has said, | | | | include Sexuality, Men's Sexual Health, Women's |
| "When people say they can't have sex because they | | | | Sexual Health, |
| have a bad | | | | Intimate Relationships, Gay and Lesbian Concerns and |
| back, or arthritis, or all of the things that can affect our | | | | Tantra.------------Attention Publishers & Webmasters:(c) |
| bodies as we get older, I think what they're really | | | | 2005. Permission is granted to reprint this article in its |
| saying is | | | | entirety in your ezine or on your website as long as |
| they're looking for an excuse not to have sex. When | | | | you leave |
| you care, | | | | all links in place, do not modify the content and include |
| you find that there are all sorts of ways to express | | | | our |
| sensuality."Sexual ignorance, cultural values and media | | | | resource paragraph above. If you do use the material |
| images combine to | | | | please drop |
| "sell" the story that sex = intercourse - and having an | | | | me a note so I can take a look. Thanks!David Yarian, |
| orgasm is the way to tell if you're accomplishing | | | | Ph.D. is the creator of The Guide to Self-Help |
| anything!This mindset gets everything backwards. The | | | | Books, and co-author of Self-Help |
| purpose of having | | | | Central, an ezine to help you build a better life with |
| huge concentrations of nerve endings and pleasure | | | | self-help |
| receptors in | | | | resources. He is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and |
| our genitals is to experience pleasure. While orgasms | | | | Certified |
| are | | | | Sex Therapist in private practice in Nashville, TN. |
| wonderful, when sex becomes goal-driven to | | | | |