| Protect Your Marriage From These Villains | | | | contempt into the space is that of disgust. You are |
| A large part of my coaching practice is about repairing | | | | letting him or her know that you do not value their |
| the damage done to marital relationships in blended | | | | feelings, thoughts or beliefs. And when your partner |
| families. To a large degree the damage is done by | | | | treats you in this way, the likelihood of you becoming |
| four miserable, relentless characters, that when | | | | even more defended and reactive is much greater. |
| allowed to move in, cause devastation and destruction | | | | Which invites in the third villain of DEFENSIVENESS. |
| to any chance for intimacy and longevity in a marriage | | | | While it looks like you are defending yourself, what you |
| (or otherwise committed partnership). | | | | are really doing is blaming your partner instead. You |
| Who are these villains? You'd do well to get to know | | | | are "passing the experience" right back to them and |
| their characteristics and traits, and learn how to identify | | | | telling them that they are the problem, not you. That's |
| them and stop them in their tracks. Once you are | | | | what happens when the person is made out to be the |
| introduced to them here, I think you will find them to be | | | | problem, instead of the behavior. Once one partner |
| familiar to you they visit all relationships on a regular | | | | gets defensive, the conflict will continue to escalate, |
| basis it's the couples that allow them to move in that | | | | with more criticism and contempt thrown back and |
| are doomed! | | | | forth. |
| The first villain is CRITICISM. While anyone can have a | | | | Once these three are allowed to go unchecked and |
| complaint about what their partner does that they don't | | | | out of control, the fourth and final villain makes its |
| like, once they generalize and criticize their partner, | | | | presence known STONEWALLING. The walls go up |
| they have overstepped and invited danger to enter | | | | and the attacks are met with silence. You know you're |
| their relationship. Having a complaint, like, "I get tired of | | | | being stonewalled when you keep going on and on, |
| having to do the dishes all the time, and I get | | | | and your partner gives you absolutely no sign that they |
| disappointed and frustrated when you leave your | | | | are listening to you no eye-contact, no verbal cues, |
| dishes in the sink" is understandable, and can be | | | | nothing. And if you still don't get the message, then the |
| worked with. Stating a criticism, like, "You are so | | | | stonewalling partner will leave the room completely, |
| thoughtless and lazy! You must be blind to not see that | | | | ignoring you as you continue to rant and rave. |
| the dishes need to be done! How can you forget to do | | | | Stonewalling happens when a partner has been so |
| the dishes, again?!" causes your partner's character to | | | | FLOODED by all the negativity thrown at them that |
| be attacked and their defenses to go up, and your | | | | they truly cannot take it anymore they choose this |
| losing battle has begun. When criticism becomes | | | | method of defense as the only way to keep |
| commonplace, you've paved the way to welcome the | | | | themselves safe. |
| other villains to enter your home. | | | | Once all four of these negative interactions become |
| The second villain is CONTEMPT. You know it the | | | | permanent residents in your home, your relationship is |
| instant it arrives, in the form of sneers, sarcasm, eye | | | | being held hostage and you need some serious |
| rolling, mockery, cynicism, and hostile humor. The | | | | strategies to combat them! |
| message your partner receives when you invite | | | | NOTE: Use of this article requires links to be intact. |