| When parents ask me about children and discipline, I | | | | The earlier parents begin with a firm, clear and |
| always begin by inquiring about their own style of | | | | consistent approach to discipline and children the better. |
| parenting. | | | | What is the difference between reaction and |
| For instance I ask them, "When we talk about discipline | | | | response when we discipline young children? |
| and children, what do you think your style of discipline | | | | Reaction |
| is?" | | | | * Reactive parents often become emotionally involved |
| "What do you think of your partner's parenting style | | | | with their children's negative behaviour, seeing it as a |
| when we talk about your children and discipline?" | | | | reflection on themselves. |
| "How difficult do you find it to discipline young children?" | | | | * They can become distressed and take it personally, |
| I then ask questions about their own childhood | | | | often feeling their child is "doing this to get at me". |
| experience of being disciplined and whether they see | | | | * Often parents who have a problem with their own |
| this as a positive or negative pattern to follow. | | | | anger get caught up into the turmoil of a child's anger, |
| These answers usually create discussions about the | | | | unable to separate their child's behaviour from their |
| methods to use with children and discipline, especially | | | | own. |
| as so often I find that today's parents were smacked | | | | * This leads to escalating situations which become |
| as kids. Often these discussions are very revealing to | | | | more about the parent than the child, with the parent |
| the parents. There is no more controversial topic than | | | | unable to understand why it is all so out of hand. |
| children and discipline to alert parents to their own, | | | | Response |
| often deeply hidden, childhood parenting issues. | | | | * Responsive parents look for ways to use the |
| Nowadays, both children and discipline are seen in quite | | | | situation as a training ground for children and discipline. |
| a different way than that of my own childhood, and | | | | * They look for reasons why their child is acting out, |
| thank goodness for that! Seen and not heard was | | | | checking on their physical needs for food, water and |
| very painful for many children back then. | | | | sleep then trying to look at the situation from the child's |
| Next I ask the parents to talk to me about their own | | | | perspective. |
| personalities and whether they think they are reactive | | | | * They understand that their child would rather be calm |
| or responsive to their children when behavioural | | | | and unstressed and they maintain a clear, consistent, |
| difficulties arise. This particularly applies when we | | | | focussed approach while remaining calm and in control |
| discipline young children. Most times each parent is | | | | themselves. |
| surprised to hear the observations of the other parent | | | | * They respond to the child rather than react to the |
| on their parenting style! | | | | situation. |