| I get a lot of emails from wives (and sometimes from | | | | it in the very beginning. There is quite a lot that you can |
| husbands too) outlining a marriage that they define as | | | | do on your own. |
| "troubled." They want some ideas or tips on how to | | | | Many people make the mistake of sitting their spouse |
| heal the marriage and bring it back from a place of | | | | down and asking for their help in "working on" their |
| neglect and apathy to a place of love, appreciation, | | | | marriage. Again, I cringe at this terminology. When most |
| and affection. Sometimes, only one spouse has this | | | | adults hear the phrase "working on," all this sounds like |
| wish, while the other spouse is ready to walk out or | | | | to them is, well, work. And, we are so time strapped |
| has really given up. | | | | and stressed today that many of us are not going to |
| Still, typically the spouse who wants to heal the | | | | get overly excited when we're told that we're being |
| marriage can separate things as they are now from | | | | given yet another task to put on the daily plate of life. |
| things as they used to be. They truly believe that if | | | | Again, the use of words affects how your spouse is |
| they are able to say or do the right things, little by little, | | | | going to look at what you're asking them to do. And |
| they can begin to bring the marriage back from the | | | | frankly, if your marriage has already reached this point, |
| dead. I believe this too. I've seen so many marriages | | | | they've probably stopped listening to your promises |
| that were only bitter shells of themselves reborn | | | | and solutions. They've heard this before and they |
| through a little effort and through sheer determination. | | | | know it doesn't work. So enough with all the words. |
| Often, it takes more than a desire and well wishes to | | | | You're going to have to start focusing on action. And, |
| make this happen. You also need a plan that is actually | | | | you want to package it in a way so that you can both |
| going to work. So, in the following article, I'll offer tips | | | | get behind it. |
| and advice on healing your troubled marriage. | | | | So, you want to tell them (very briefly) that you're |
| Why I Really Hate The Phrase "Troubled Marriage" | | | | saddened by the state of your marriage and that |
| (Hint: It's A Sabotaging, Self Fulfilling Prophecy:) To be | | | | you'd just like to simply focus on having more fun |
| honest, I cringe when someone repeatedly chooses | | | | together. You are tired of living in drudgery and you |
| the world troubled to describe their marriage. This | | | | think that both of you deserve better. Tell him (or her) |
| word choice really implies that the marriage is like an | | | | that you're tired of walking on egg shells and always |
| old, rapid dog that either must be rehabilitated through | | | | analyzing and trying to fix everything. That process is |
| some miracle or put out of its misery. This does not | | | | tiresome and you want to abandon it for light hearted |
| make the whole thing seem exciting or desirable. In | | | | action. This does a couple of things. It lightens the |
| essence, your word choice can't help but influence | | | | tension which quite frankly is probably draining your |
| your feelings about this entire situation before you've | | | | marriage. It takes a lot of the pressure away and it |
| even begun to carry out the plan that I'm about to give | | | | postpones the difficult conversations that they were |
| you. | | | | probably dreading (and vowing to ignore) anyway. |
| So, stop dwelling on the negative and describing or | | | | Putting Off The Hard Stuff Until You're Strongly |
| thinking about your marriage in the state that it is now. | | | | Bonded Again: Many readers tell me that the plan |
| Instead, think of it in the terms that you want it to be in | | | | makes sense, but still, they just can't understand how |
| the future. You don't want to approach your spouse | | | | they're actually going to heal this marriage when I'm |
| from a place of beaten resignation. You want to | | | | telling them to delay the work part. Well, I don't mean |
| approach them from a place of being excited about | | | | that you have to put it off indefinitely. However, the |
| the future. This is a huge difference between the two | | | | first step toward healing is changing your attitude. Both |
| and this will often greatly affect your outcome. | | | | you and your spouse must change your perception of |
| Act "As If" And Know That You Don't Need To Give | | | | your marriage away from something that is struggling |
| Them A Play By Play Of What You're Doing: OK, let's | | | | or just barely hanging on. This is done through a series |
| think about this for a second. Right now, your goal, | | | | of positive, shared experiences. |
| very simply, is to get from point A to point B. Point A is | | | | You want to move toward a place where both you |
| where you are right now in your marriage and point B | | | | and your spouse are having fun together and are |
| is your goal and what you're shooting for. Theoretically, | | | | again experiencing affection, anticipation, and |
| you need your spouse's cooperation and enthusiasm | | | | appreciation. Because once you are here, you'll have a |
| to get where you want to go. But, I often tell people to | | | | much better chance of having both of you equally on |
| realize that you likely aren't going to get this | | | | board and then committed to doing "the work" |
| cooperation until much later. And, you really don't need | | | | necessary to getting things back of track. |