| Intimacy is all about connection--the feeling that you | | | | nature has served him well professionally and he |
| and your partner are kindred spirits. The hallmark of a | | | | recently made partner at his New York City law firm. |
| healthy marriage or relationship is feeling close and | | | | To his dismay, Chris's work-related success has |
| attuned to your partner, but maintaining this connection | | | | always eluded him in his personal relationships. |
| isn't always easy. Therefore, finding ways to enhance | | | | Chris complains that he often feels distant in his |
| intimacy is a priority for all couples. | | | | marriage, despite his wife Kendra's encouragement to |
| Self-intimacy: A prerequisite to interpersonal intimacy | | | | be more open and share his feelings. Chris is |
| You are probably in many different relationships: with | | | | estranged from any emotions that make him feel |
| acquaintances, friends, family, coworkers, to name a | | | | "weak" or vulnerable. It's his inability to connect with |
| few. When you think about the relationships in your life, | | | | these parts of himself that continues to block intimacy |
| does your relationship with yourself ever come to | | | | in his marriage. |
| mind? Probably not, yet this relationship is central to all | | | | Chris's first step in breaking out of this |
| of your other relationships. | | | | self-estrangement pattern is to honestly assess his |
| Self-intimacy is the experience of feeling connected to | | | | relationship with himself--in particular, the parts of |
| all of yourself--the parts of yourself you naturally | | | | himself that he wished didn't exist. |
| embrace as well as the parts you wish didn't exist. | | | | Are you ready to assess yourself? |
| This connection allows you to feel grounded--giving | | | | Rate yourself and your relationship intimacy: |
| you an emotional center that anchors your | | | | Using a scale from one (no intimacy) to ten (very |
| experiences. This anchor has an important place in | | | | satisfying levels of intimacy), rate the intimacy in your |
| your relationship. | | | | marriage or relationship. |
| To get a better understanding of your relationship with | | | | If your rating is relatively high (8 or higher), than you |
| yourself, reflect on the following questions: "How do I | | | | probably don't struggle with self-estrangement. If your |
| feel about myself? What do I like about myself? | | | | rating is relatively low (4 or lower), self-estrangement |
| Dislike? Hate? Which parts of myself do I find easy to | | | | may be standing in the way of a deeper connection |
| accept? Which parts make me feel uneasy or | | | | with your partner. |
| conflicted?" Your answers to these questions reflect | | | | To help determine the impact that your level of |
| the type of intimate relationship you have with yourself. | | | | self-intimacy has on your marriage or relationship, now |
| Self-Estrangement: A block to interpersonal intimacy | | | | rate yourself on the self-intimacy/self-estrangement |
| Unfortunately, you may not have access to important | | | | continuum below: |
| parts of yourself. Why? Because you can dislike a | | | | -Estrangement |
| part (or parts) of yourself so intensely that you deny | | | | Pick a spot on this continuum that reflects how |
| its existence. Your denial doesn't mean, however, that | | | | connected (or disconnected) you feel to yourself. Try |
| these parts do not surface in your relationship--they | | | | to think about how self-connected you feel in general, |
| usually seek expression. When you ignore parts of | | | | since this may shift for you, depending on |
| yourself, you've left the realm of self-intimacy (a | | | | circumstances. If the spot you choose is closer to the |
| connection to yourself) and have entered the world of | | | | self-intimacy end of the continuum, this means you feel |
| self-estrangement (a disconnection from yourself). | | | | grounded and are able to share yourself fully with your |
| At one time or another we've all denied certain truths | | | | partner; if your spot is closer to the self-estrangement |
| about ourselves, maybe with little consequence--truths | | | | end, you feel disconnected and are unable to share |
| that would make us feel vulnerable or ashamed, | | | | yourself fully with your partner. |
| desperate or inadequate. However, when you're in a | | | | Rating yourself can feel a little daunting, so give |
| relationship, the consequences of self-estrangement | | | | yourself enough time to adequately reflect on these |
| are always significant. Why? Because you can never | | | | issues. If it does feel like self-estrangement is holding |
| fully hide from your spouse or partner. | | | | you (and your relationship) back from achieving the |
| When self-intimacy is the norm, you'll be fully present | | | | intimacy you desire, speak with someone who can |
| and emotionally available to your partner. When | | | | give you support around this issue (your partner, a |
| self-estrangement rules your inner world, you will | | | | trusted friend or family member, a counselor). You've |
| remain disconnected from yourself and your partner. | | | | already taken an important step by assessing your |
| Your relationship is robbed of intimacy whenever you | | | | level of self-intimacy. |
| close off aspects of yourself to your partner. | | | | Are you ready to build a stronger, more intimate |
| Self-estrangement in action: | | | | relationship? |
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| who minimizes her outbursts is self-estranged--she | | | | Nicastro's Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. |
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| jealousy is self-estranged--she denies her insecurities. | | | | "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" |
| For the last ten years, Chris has worked almost | | | | and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you |
| nonstop to become a successful attorney. His driven | | | | argue before your arguments control you. |