| I get a lot of emails which ask me various questions on | | | | you had tried counseling or a went with a different |
| the same variation of "when is the right time to end | | | | counselor? Granted, these things may have still left |
| my marriage?;" and "how will I know when I am at this | | | | you at a dead end, but you have no way to know that |
| point?" In other words, the folks asking the questions | | | | if you didn't try. |
| really want to be sure that they won't regret ending | | | | So I often tell people who are asking me to validate |
| the marriage somewhere down the road. How do you | | | | their decision to end their marriage that I'm reluctant to |
| know that you aren't making a mistake or if you should | | | | do that until I know that they have really fully followed |
| try to save your marriage or work it out? Is is better to | | | | every possible lead. In order to walk away with peace |
| just cut your losses and move on or are you not yet | | | | and without doubt, you simply should not skip these |
| at that point? | | | | steps. It's the only way to know that you did all you |
| The answers to these questions are very individual, but | | | | could. |
| there are typically some behaviors and reactions that | | | | Getting To A Place Of Indifference (And Why I |
| are indicative of a marriage that truly is over and there | | | | Suspect That You Aren't There Yet): People who |
| are some which indicate that it's not really "the end." I'll | | | | know that their marriage is over (without having to |
| discuss this more in the following article. | | | | ask) are often indifferent. What I mean by this is that |
| Strong Negative Emotions Like Jealousy, Fear, And | | | | there is no anger, or resentment, or even any additional |
| Anger Are Not Indications That It's Time To End The | | | | questions. It's just become clear that although they |
| Marriage: Often when people contact me and ask if | | | | may well still feel affection for their spouse, the |
| they should end their marriage, I believe that they are | | | | marriage was not the right thing for either of them. In |
| really looking for someone to validate for them what it | | | | short, they are both better off apart than together and |
| really is that they want to do. In other words, they | | | | this is obvious to them both because they both know |
| want someone to approve or bless the decision. To | | | | that they've uncovered every stone and rock to get to |
| be fair, you should know that I trend toward saving | | | | the place where they are. |
| marriages when it is at all possible. | | | | A therapist used to ask me (when I was having my |
| Often, they will tell me things like "we can't even stand | | | | own martial issues) how I would respond if I saw my |
| to be in the same room together," or "I feel so angry | | | | husband out after five years of being divorced. She |
| when I am with him," and then think that these things | | | | would set up a whole scenario: he now has a beautiful |
| are proof that it's time to cut the losses and end the | | | | new wife and a new family. He was doing well |
| marriage. In fact, negative emotions based on | | | | professionally and was very successful, etc. How |
| possession, jealousy, anger, and fear are often | | | | would I feel if I saw them? |
| indicative of quite the opposite. These things are often | | | | Of course, the "right" answer here is that I would've |
| only proof that you still care enough, are affected | | | | felt happy for him. I would've felt no remorse and no |
| enough, and still involved enough in the situation to | | | | tug at my heart because I voluntarily set him free |
| experience these strong emotions. | | | | when I was in a happy place. And, since I couldn't |
| I know that this often isn't what you want to hear, but it | | | | possibly say that, my therapists' theory was that I was |
| is the truth. You would not be this upset or this | | | | still "stuck" because I knew deep down that I hadn't |
| affected if this person did not matter to or effect you | | | | earned my way out by doing everything that was |
| as they do. In contrast, people who are really at the | | | | needed to try to work it out first. It was he who |
| natural and healthy end to their relationships feel | | | | wanted to end things, but was I giving up too easily? |
| indifference. They aren't angry. They aren't afraid. | | | | Although I didn't think it at the time, this was very good |
| They don't blame. If they feel anything it all, it is to wish | | | | advice. I wasn't over my husband and I wasn't ready |
| their partner well. They are pretty much at peace with | | | | to walk away from my marriage - although my pride |
| their decision because they knew they did everything | | | | and my anger didn't allow me to see this at that time. I |
| that they could, which brings me to my next point. | | | | was no where near being indifferent. The |
| Knowing That You Did Everything You Could Is Often | | | | fundamentals between my husband and I hadn't |
| The First Step To Knowing You're At The Natural End | | | | changed, but the circumstances around us had and |
| Of Your Marriage: Often the sense of doubt, insecurity, | | | | we had allowed that to project itself onto our marriage. |
| and indecision comes with the knowledge that you've | | | | I went about rectifying this in all the wrong ways. It |
| been holding back in some way. Perhaps you know | | | | wasn't until I changed my attitude and checked my |
| that there are things that you could have said but didn't, | | | | anger that I started to make real progress. |
| or places where you might have given a little but didn't, | | | | And, often, if you have to ask the question, you |
| or things that the two of you might have tried but | | | | already know the answer. People who know that the |
| decided not to, for whatever reason. | | | | time has come don't go looking for validation and aren't |
| This often leaves you with the sinking feeling of | | | | researching this topic. They are peace with this and |
| uncertainty. You are left to wonder "what if." What if | | | | they don't need anyone to tell them they are right. |
| you had said the things that you held back, of had | | | | They know it already. |
| given a little more and demanded a little less? What if | | | | |