| Q: "I'm getting married in a month and want to know | | | | discussions to make sure important issues don't go |
| why so many marriages end in divorce. What should I | | | | underground where they can fester. You may need to |
| look out for? How can I prevent divorce?" ~Sandra, | | | | seek professional help to get things moving in the right |
| Houston TX | | | | direction. |
| A: Understanding why a marriage or relationship might | | | | 4. One or both parties unconsciously repeat unhealthy |
| fail can alert couples to their own unique relationship | | | | relationship patterns from their family-of-origin |
| vulnerabilities. These are not meant to be | | | | We're all vulnerable to repeating patterns from our |
| doom-and-gloom predictions about anyone's marriage, | | | | past. When unhealthy relationship patterns predominate |
| but rather information to help you identify potential | | | | (e.g., acting abusive just like your father did), combined |
| marriage problems that can arise and that should be | | | | with an unwillingness to examine these destructive |
| addressed. | | | | dynamics, one's marriage is placed at serious risk. |
| Let's look at five reasons why a marriage or | | | | Preventative measures: Reflect on your parents' |
| relationship might not survive. | | | | caregivers' relationship and think about how you want |
| Marriage help: 5 reasons marriages end in divorce | | | | to be different from them in your role as a husband |
| 1. The marriage or relationship started for the wrong | | | | wife or partner. Each day make a conscious effort to |
| reasons. | | | | stop negative family-of-origin patterns. |
| The motivation to marry or start a committed | | | | 5. The marriage or relationship is built upon |
| relationship was an act of escapism, not love. For | | | | expectations that cannot support the realities of a |
| instance, you married to flee an abusive household, or | | | | committed relationship. |
| to avoid feelings of loneliness, or to cover up the pain | | | | We all hold expectations about what a marriage or |
| of a failed first marriage. While this doesn't mean your | | | | romantic relationship should look like. When overly |
| marriage is destined to end, it does pose some | | | | romanticized dreams predominate (my spouse should |
| challenges. | | | | always make me happy), you're likely to feel |
| Preventative Measure: For this marriage to survive, it's | | | | disillusioned and not commit to the work that all |
| important to separate the person you married from | | | | marriages/relationships require. |
| the reasons you married him/her. This will allow you to | | | | Preventative measures: Examine the expectations you |
| break the negative associations and really "see" the | | | | hold about marriage and share this with your |
| person you now call "husband" or "wife." | | | | spouse—discuss any differences in perspective that |
| 2. The couple has grown apart over the years to such | | | | may exist between you and then take a hard look at |
| a degree that there are no longer any common | | | | which expectations feel realistic and which are likely to |
| interests. | | | | buckle under the day-to-day realities of life. |
| The "we" of the marriage or relationship has been | | | | While the above list isn't exhaustive, it does capture |
| neglected to such a degree and for so long that you | | | | some of the most common, essential reasons |
| no longer recognize the person you fell in love with. | | | | marriage problems arise and why an initially loving, |
| When this occurs, the relationship may feel like it offers | | | | committed relationship can fail to thrive over the long |
| little meaning to your life and the danger is that you'll | | | | haul. Don't forget to take the preventative measures |
| seek to get all of your needs met outside of the | | | | needed to keep your marriage or relationship healthy. |
| relationship. | | | | Do you want to receive expert marriage and |
| Preventative measures: Make the commitment and | | | | relationship advice each month? |
| take the necessary steps to keep your marriage | | | | Visit Relationship Toolbox Newsletter and sign up for |
| relationship a priority—even when life and competing | | | | Dr. Nicastro's FREE Newsletter. |
| priorities seem to get in the way. | | | | As a bonus you will receive the popular free reports: |
| 3. Years of unresolved conflicts and deep emotional | | | | "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" |
| wounding have shattered the very fabric of the union. | | | | and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you |
| Chronic defensiveness, resentments and deep | | | | argue before your arguments control you." |
| emotional pain caused by a relationship that has | | | | Are you ready to take your relationship to the next |
| spiraled out of control have invaded the union and | | | | level? |
| dissolved the foundation of mutual love and respect. | | | | Discover what the Healthy Relationship Program |
| Preventative measures: Have those uncomfortable | | | | Workbook Series can do for your relationship. |