| The formula for marital harmony and success is not a | | | | minutes to relax or have downtime. Watch for things |
| mysterious secret. It's actually very straightforward. | | | | you can do to pamper your partner when you can. It's |
| The "behind the scenes" part is the constant work | | | | often the little things that can make a big difference in |
| that's required to keep the channels of love and | | | | marital happiness and satisfaction. |
| communication clear from obstruction. Diligent spouses | | | | 5. Express appreciation often and say form the habit |
| consistently spend time and energy addressing issues | | | | of saying "thank you." |
| as they come up so that anger and hurt feelings don't | | | | As months and years go by, many spouses take |
| accumulate. | | | | each other for granted and neglect to express |
| Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for | | | | appreciation or say "thank you" to each other. |
| ways to keep their love strong, such as remembering | | | | Numerous spouses complain that their partners only |
| to show affection and appreciation frequently. They | | | | focus on what they do wrong and never compliment |
| know that the more they feel connected and bonded, | | | | them. |
| the more motivated they will be to resolve problems | | | | It's sad to think that the one person who means the |
| and hang in there when things are difficult. | | | | most to you might have to wonder whether or not |
| The following eight steps will guide you in looking at | | | | you appreciate them. Let your spouse know how |
| what you can do to increase your chances for | | | | much he or she means to you on a frequent basis. |
| creating a happy, harmonious marriage: | | | | Give compliments and praise freely, and express |
| 1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you | | | | thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life |
| brought with you into the marriage. | | | | and marriage. |
| Many responses that you have to your spouse's | | | | 6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility |
| actions are triggered by past events going back to | | | | for your part in whatever happens in the marriage. |
| your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds is | | | | The truth is that sometimes it's hard to say "I'm sorry." |
| feeling disrespected, then when your partner | | | | That's when it's time to remember the question, |
| inadvertently does something that triggers those | | | | "Would you rather be right or would you rather be |
| feelings, you'll experience an intense reaction. Individual | | | | happy?" |
| counseling can help you to be more self-aware of | | | | Accept that things don't always make sense in a |
| what's behind your intense reactions and what you | | | | relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings |
| can do so that you don't over-react to issues in your | | | | can happen easily. It's a mark of maturity when you |
| marriage. | | | | can say, "I'm so sorry for my part in what has |
| 2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the | | | | happened between us." |
| marriage. | | | | 7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in your life that |
| Blame only causes the other person to become | | | | you enjoy so you're not thrown off center so easily if |
| defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability | | | | you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse. |
| that the two of you can find a win-win solution to your | | | | It's important to have interests and activities of your |
| problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for | | | | own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep |
| what's happening in the marriage, you are planting | | | | you balanced and anchored if other areas of your life |
| seeds of resentment that can hurt the relationship. A | | | | are upsetting. That way, you can more easily regain a |
| marriage is composed of two people, and each | | | | sense of perspective and be able to withstand the |
| contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares | | | | on-going stress. |
| responsibility for it. | | | | For example, if you and your spouse are encountering |
| 3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner's | | | | some rocks along the relationship path, you could go |
| place when issues come up. | | | | on a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a |
| Really try to understand where your partner is coming | | | | museum, or read an interesting book. Those activities |
| from when you disagree or when your partner does | | | | and interests can add pleasure to your life to help |
| something that you can't make sense of. Ask your | | | | balance out the temporary problems in your marriage. |
| spouse to talk about his or her feelings. Listen | | | | You're always ahead of the game when you know |
| respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that | | | | some ways to lift your spirits. |
| you don't understand. Develop a curiosity for learning | | | | 8. Look for fun activities and bonding experiences to |
| more about your spouse's feelings and take special | | | | share with your mate. |
| care to create an emotionally safe environment for | | | | Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun for |
| the discussions with your spouse. | | | | you and your spouse to do together. Search the local |
| 4. Look for ways to make your partner's life easier | | | | newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum |
| and to show your love. | | | | exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new |
| Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day life | | | | restaurants that are advertised. Laughter and having |
| are the little things---the extra time it takes to pick up | | | | fun is bonding and can help to create those "Kodak |
| the cleaning on the way home from work or to put the | | | | moments" that are so delightful. |
| clean dishes in the dishwasher away. When you see | | | | Also look for activities that represent causes you and |
| some errand or task that you can do to save your | | | | your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday |
| partner time, offer to do it. | | | | helping a local charity with a garage sale or |
| Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few | | | | volunteering together at a local soup kitchen. |