| When we are no longer able to change a situation, we | | | | meaningful relationships despite being financially |
| are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl | | | | destitute. Try to forget the trappings that money brings |
| You don't need me to tell you about the dire state of | | | | and head back to romance basics: holding hands, long |
| the American economy and the reverberations being | | | | walks, movies, games (is anyone up for charades?), |
| felt around the world. While you're probably well aware | | | | making each other laugh...brainstorm together on how |
| of how this is directly impacting your bank account, | | | | to have inexpensive, low- to no- cost fun. |
| home value, and nest egg, there is a <i>hidden | | | | 4. Learn to ask for help/seek support from each other |
| casualty</i> that doesn't seem to be getting any | | | | Denial and stoicism aren't useful, especially if you're |
| press: | | | | feeling overwhelmed and anxious. Unfortunately, some |
| Marriages and relationships are buckling under the | | | | couples keep their collective heads in the sand and act |
| stress of these uncertain, stressful economic times. | | | | like it is business as usual until something drastic |
| Money is a sensitive and complicated issue for many | | | | happens-well, something pretty drastic is happening, so |
| couples. Arguments and power struggles can easily | | | | now may be a good time to get your head out of the |
| result and couples often feel blindsided by how a once | | | | sand. |
| strong relationship can be pulled apart by conflicts over | | | | All too often couples don't share their fears with one |
| finances. Here are five steps you can take to help | | | | another-this is especially the case for men. It's so |
| your relationship survive this economic crisis. | | | | common it's become a cliché: the stoic male who'd |
| 1. Make the decision to keep your relationship a priority | | | | rather not talk about his feelings (especially emotions |
| It is easy to lose sight of the importance of your | | | | that make him feel helpless and not in control); the |
| relationship during tough economic times (or during any | | | | male who doesn't access his partner for support but |
| stressful period). Many loving couples lose their way | | | | instead pulls away and attempts to deal with problems |
| when worries about job security and money begin to | | | | by himself, leaving his spouse/partner feeling isolated, |
| take center stage in their relationship-intimacy is | | | | confused and alone. And, while this pattern is more |
| temporarily compromised when you or your partner | | | | typically seen in men, there are women who also |
| become overwhelmed by fear; the very bond that | | | | withdraw in the face of stress. |
| supports your union can be weakened when your | | | | There's no way to sugarcoat this: It's dangerous for |
| fears become a mainstay of your relationship. | | | | you and your partner to begin withdrawing from each |
| Becoming conscious of this danger is essential to the | | | | other-you'll now be faced with the anxiety of a |
| health of your marriage or relationship. Make it a habit | | | | troubled relationship on top of everything that's playing |
| to check in with each other and acknowledge the | | | | out across the global economy. |
| importance of your relationship-you both need to make | | | | 5. Understand how you each cope with stress |
| a conscious effort to help your love transcend the | | | | Lack of financial security creates anxiety in all of us. |
| hurdles you face. With a little planning you and your | | | | As your anxiety level escalates during these uncertain |
| partner can create "no-worry-zones" throughout the | | | | times it becomes easy to displace your reactions to |
| day--protected moments where you both give one | | | | stress onto your partner. |
| another permission to only think about each other, | | | | No matter how healthy your relationship or marriage is, |
| about the positive aspects of your relationship. Think of | | | | it is common for conflict to escalate when you and/or |
| these as temporary pit-stops that can allow you both | | | | your partner are under stress. Ideally couples will learn |
| to refuel the relationship. | | | | to rely on one another to get through the difficult times |
| Remember, if you're anxious about money and/or job | | | | that are part of every life. The reality, however, is |
| security, it will take effort and practice for you to be | | | | often different. |
| fully present with your spouse or partner in these | | | | A brief example of how financial stress negatively |
| moments. | | | | affected Vince and Karen: |
| 2. Acknowledge and accept changing roles | | | | Vince recently lost his job as a systems analyst at a |
| We all play different roles in our relationships (and in | | | | large insurance company. In order to make ends meet, |
| our lives). For instance, you might be the "go-to person" | | | | he needed to find work quickly and took a job making |
| during times of trouble; or maybe you're the joker who | | | | significantly less money. For the first time in their |
| makes everyone smile. | | | | marriage, money was extremely tight. Rather than |
| Often changes in family income bring about changes in | | | | seek out Karen for support, Vince became more |
| the roles that were a natural part of your | | | | withdrawn and began to feel inadequate as a |
| relationship-the bread-winner who took pride in | | | | husband--his self-esteem is tightly wrapped around his |
| supporting her/his family may now have to apply for | | | | ability to support his family. Confused by her husband's |
| unemployment (or take two jobs just to make ends | | | | behavior, Karen began to confront Vince about his |
| meet); The full-time parent may now be forced to | | | | "bad attitude." Repeated conflicts replaced the once |
| leave the children in someone else's care and search | | | | peaceful terrain of their marriage. |
| for work. Beyond defining us as individuals, many of | | | | Part of the problem for Vince and Karen (as well as |
| our assumed roles give particular meaning and value to | | | | for many couples) is that they each have very |
| our lives-and we can feel shaken at our core when | | | | different coping styles when faced with stressful life |
| stripped of these roles. | | | | events. Vince withdraws and ruminates (rather than |
| Share your struggles with your spouse/partner and | | | | seeking support from others) and this triggers a fear |
| supportive others if you are having difficulty | | | | reaction in Karen who begins to worry that their |
| transitioning into a new and unwelcome role in your life. | | | | marriage is in trouble. |
| 3. Find new ways to connect and enjoy one another | | | | Is there a solution to this dilemma? |
| Your income and resources may change drastically | | | | Become mindful of each other's coping style |
| during a financial crisis-or you may live with chronic | | | | Often a marriage or relationship is damaged not by the |
| anxiety that your finances can drastically change at | | | | stress itself, but by the way in which you and your |
| any moment. Money that you originally allocated for | | | | partner cope with stress. The more information you |
| vacations, dining out, gifts and other leisure activities | | | | have about how you both deal with the pressures of |
| may suddenly be needed to pay the mortgage or rent, | | | | life (your typical patterns of coping), the more |
| be used for food, and utility bills (or saved for future | | | | understanding and empathy you will have for one |
| expenses). Your relationship needs to change with the | | | | another during relationship rough patches. |
| changing tides of your finances. | | | | Is your relationship worth protecting? |
| The challenge is for you and your partner to seek out | | | | Visit and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE Relationship |
| new ways to connect and enjoy each other without | | | | Toolbox Newsletter. |
| the constraints of limited finances. You'll need to adopt | | | | As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: |
| a new mindset for this to occur and you'll each need | | | | "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" |
| to sacrifice. As your inspiration think of the starving | | | | and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you |
| artist or broke college student who are able to create | | | | argue before your arguments control you. |