| id="body"> | | | | partner and are not respecting his/her unique |
| When you're married, the boundaries between yourself | | | | individuality and right to make choices. You are also |
| and your spouse aren't always clear. For some people, | | | | failing to provide protected space so that your |
| marriage brings the expectation of spending as much | | | | spouse's individual growth and potential can flourish. |
| time as possible with a spouse and doing most things | | | | Couples who do everything together miss putting |
| together. In this model of marriage, the two people | | | | important spaces in their togetherness so that new, |
| generally function as a single unit in thought and actions. | | | | separate growth can occur. Without new growth and |
| In other cases, individuals may not have learned | | | | fresh input from each person, a relationship can |
| healthy boundaries as children, and they may have | | | | stagnate and lack vitality. |
| been exposed to negative control on the part of adults | | | | It's important for each spouse to have some time |
| in their life. In her book Facing Codependence, Pia | | | | alone to pursue individual interests or enjoy being in |
| Melody lists negative control as one of the secondary | | | | solitude. Anne Morrow Lindberg, in her classic book, |
| symptoms of codependence that affects your | | | | Gift from the Sea, states that "Only when one is |
| relationships with others. She defines negative control | | | | connected to one's own core is one connected to |
| as giving yourself permission to determine someone | | | | others, I am beginning to discover. And, for me, the |
| else's reality for your own comfort. | | | | core, the inner spring, can best be refound through |
| According to Melody, negative control "happens | | | | solitude." Solitude and time to "just be" can help each |
| whenever I give myself permission to determine for | | | | partner replenish energy and a sense of well-being. |
| another person what he or she should look like | | | | Kahlil Gibran's words about marriage in The Prophet |
| (including dress and body size), or think, feel, and do or | | | | have been quoted often through the years, but they |
| not dol" There is also a flip side to negative control, | | | | keep their wisdom and meaning: "...let there be spaces |
| which is "allowing someone else to control me." Melody | | | | in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens |
| continues by stating, "Whenever I fail to determine for | | | | dance between you." He continues by saying, "...And |
| myself what I look like, what I think, what I feel, and | | | | stand together, yet not too near together, for the pillars |
| what I do or don't do, and allow someone else to | | | | of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the |
| control any of those things for me, I am participating in | | | | cypress grow not in each other's shadow." |
| negative control." | | | | When you crowd your partner and don't give him or |
| When you do not have healthy, distinct personal | | | | her breathing room, you run the risk of smothering the |
| boundaries, you may try to change your spouse to be | | | | very relationship that is most important to you. Enjoy |
| more like you want him/her to be to meet your needs | | | | your togetherness, but also honor your individuality. |
| and expectations. In so doing, you are dishonoring your | | | | |