| It's natural to enter a long-term relationship with | | | | work, financial uncertainty can now take center |
| expectations. And one expectation most of us have is | | | | stage-fear and anxiety are common as the once |
| that our spouse or partner will remain relatively healthy. | | | | secure areas of your life give way to uncertainty. |
| Although wedding vows ask us to consider the | | | | |
| possibility of sickness, we don't automatically assume | | | | 4. Letting Go of Guilt |
| our loved ones will suffer a serious illness. | | | | Sam began feeling guilty when he finally started |
| "I felt blindsided by the diagnosis. So much of our | | | | spending time with friends and found himself enjoying |
| relationship changed from that point on. There's no | | | | time away from his wife more than a year and a half |
| way to prepare for it because you never think it's | | | | after she became ill. During his wife's rehabilitation, Sam |
| going to happen to you. It felt like it came out of | | | | rarely did anything for himself. As he described, "I had |
| nowhere." ~Jennifer, whose husband Dan was | | | | to come to grips with the fact that she's sick and I'm |
| diagnosed with leukemia at age 37 | | | | healthy. This wasn't easy. She's slowed down |
| | | | considerably and I felt bad because I've always been |
| | | | so full of life." |
| When Illness Hits Home | | | | Sam continues to care for his wife when needed, but |
| The reality is that many couples must learn to cope | | | | he has also begun taking care of himself. For a period |
| and adjust to a life-altering illness. Understanding the | | | | of time, guilt-inducing thoughts flooded his mind ("How |
| impact this can have on your relationship can help you | | | | dare you have fun while your wife's sick?"; "You |
| adjust and adapt to such an enormous challenge. | | | | should be home with her"), but Sam was slowly able to |
| Let's look at some of the ways in which a serious | | | | realize that his guilt served no useful purpose. With the |
| illness can impact you and your marriage/relationship: | | | | support of his minister, Sam was able to let go of his |
| | | | guilt as he began embracing life again. |
| 1. Coping with a Sense of Loss | | | | |
| Depending on the nature of the illness, the sick partner | | | | 5. Understanding the sick partner's emotional reactions |
| may change in subtle and, sometimes, profound ways. | | | | The person struggling with a serious illness is on an |
| The relationship that you once relied upon may no | | | | emotional rollercoaster. In one moment s/he may be |
| longer feel accessible to you. | | | | grateful for your help and a moment later s/he may |
| Adjusting to such a major change can take time, and | | | | seem to act irrationally, no longer able to keep the fear, |
| you may find yourself struggling with feelings of anger, | | | | anger and despair in check. At times you may end up |
| despair and depression. It's common to feel anger | | | | feeling berated, blamed, pushed away, and |
| toward the person who has the illness (which then | | | | marginalized-despite your best efforts to comfort your |
| may cause you to feel guilty). This is all part of grieving | | | | partner. It's difficult not to take this personally. For your |
| the loss of whatonce was the foundation of your | | | | own sanity, it will be important to remember that you |
| relationship and life. | | | | are not responsible for your partner's reactions and |
| | | | you will need to repeatedly remind yourself of this |
| 2. The Impact of Shifting Roles | | | | truth. |
| We all play different roles in our relationships. And very | | | | Remember that the partner struggling with the illness is |
| often we end up with someone whose preferred role | | | | adjusting to this traumatic life change and is trying to |
| complements our own. For instance, someone who is | | | | cope with fear and uncertainty. S/he may not even |
| timid and insecure may find him/herself with a partner | | | | realize the impact his/her behavior is having on others, |
| who exudes confidence; someone who is highly | | | | including his/her healthy partner. It's important for you to |
| emotional and spontaneous might be drawn to a more | | | | seek ways to understand your partner's unpredictable, |
| rational-minded planner; the natural caregiver may feel | | | | tumultuous reactions; and it is just as important that |
| most at home with a partner who longs for this type | | | | you protect yourself from any emotional onslaughts |
| of attention; and so on. | | | | directed at you. |
| An illness can abruptly alter these roles and tip the | | | | The impact of a significant illness can have a dramatic |
| balance that once grounded your relationship. The | | | | and unexpected impact on your marriage or |
| confident, take-charge person may now find him | | | | relationship. Some couples report that their relationship |
| herself in an overly dependent position; the | | | | has become stronger because of an illness, whereas |
| rational-minded planner may have to relinquish control; | | | | others continue to stumble under considerable stress. |
| and the caregiver may now need to be cared for. | | | | Having an understanding of the different ways in which |
| Such changes can rock the foundation of your union | | | | an illness can impact you, your partner and your |
| by forcing you to assume roles that are alien to what | | | | relationship is an important step in adapting to these |
| you've known most of your life. | | | | painful events. |
| 3. Coping with Uncertainty | | | | Would you like to receive free relationship advice each |
| We all like to believe we're in control of our lives. When | | | | month? Visit and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE |
| faced with a significant illness, however, the idea of | | | | Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. |
| absolute control is revealed as an illusion. Questions | | | | When you sign up you will also receive the popular |
| you never before considered now become routine: Is s | | | | free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple your |
| he going to be OK? What's going to happen to us? | | | | relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the |
| What should I do? | | | | way you argue before your arguments control you. |
| And when an illness interferes with one's ability to | | | | |