| The other day, I received an email from a wife who | | | | marriage is remotely workable, then to keep from |
| said that no matter what she says or does, she can | | | | delaying what needs to be done, it's quicker to just |
| not convince her husband that their marriage can be | | | | accept that you're going to be working alone, at least |
| made better or can be saved. She said in part: "I just | | | | for now. Take all of the energy that were putting into |
| can't get my husband to understand and believe that if | | | | arguing with him or trying to change his mind and |
| we were both committed to doing it, we could improve | | | | channel that into changing up the dynamics between |
| and even save this marriage. I keep trying to convince | | | | you. |
| him, but no matter what I say or do, he says that the | | | | Here's what your main problems are. Either he doesn't |
| marriage just is not workable." I'll tell you how I | | | | think that things can be changed or he doesn't, for |
| responded to this in the following article. | | | | whatever reason, want to put in the work that will help |
| Know That His Perception Is His Reality: In the email | | | | to change this. Again, it's all about his perception. You |
| that I just discussed, the wife gave me all sorts of | | | | actually can change his perception. But, this isn't likely |
| reasons why she felt that the marriage was quite | | | | going to come from talking his ear off or from arguing |
| workable. She wanted my advice on how to present | | | | and debating with him. This is going to come through |
| these points in a different way so that her husband | | | | actions on your part. And you'll have better success if |
| would finally believe what she was saying. The truth is, | | | | you go heavy on the action and light on the |
| right now wrapping your message up and tying it with | | | | explanations. He's not receptive anyway, so just go |
| a pretty bow doesn't matter much if this isn't the | | | | about improving things with out a long explanation. |
| message that he's wanting to hear. He will still tune you | | | | Using The Advantages That You're Probably |
| out if what you say doesn't confirm what is his reality. | | | | Unaware That You Possess: I know that this may |
| The things that the wife told me made perfect, rational | | | | seem a long way off, but there was once a time |
| sense to me, but this really doesn't matter. What does | | | | when you were able to expertly make your husband |
| matter is that the husband, for whatever reason, was | | | | believe that the relationship was working so well that |
| not wavering on his belief that the marriage was not | | | | he wanted to commit to it for the rest of his life. He |
| salvageable. Arguing this point was unlikely to do any | | | | was once helplessly in love with you and you probably |
| good. So, any message that was meant to change | | | | didn't meet a lot of his resistance at that time. So, |
| her husband's mind about this was going to fall on deaf | | | | although it may seem hopeless right now, you do |
| ears, whether his arguments had any merit or not. | | | | know the magic formula to this equation because |
| Sometimes, you just have to play the cards you are | | | | you've already solved it. Sure, you are not two |
| dealt rather than asking for a new hand from a | | | | different people with larger responsibilities, but at your |
| reluctant dealer. This was one of those times. | | | | core, you are the same person and so is he. |
| Validating His Perception, Even If You Don't Buy It: The | | | | I just can't buy that things have changed so drastically |
| easiest way to get someone to see things your way | | | | as to change who either of you are. It's not you (or |
| is to see things their way. In other words, you have to | | | | even him) who has changed. It's the circumstances |
| make concessions to get concessions. Every one | | | | that surround your relationship. These are the things |
| needs to feel heard. And it sure helps if they also feel | | | | that he finds "unworkable." It's the stress and the time |
| validated. You will find that he cooperates much more | | | | constraints and the society that puts family last. But, it |
| if he believes that you can at least see some of his | | | | is really up to you as to whether you become very |
| points. Surely, you can agree on at least a few of his | | | | conscious of those stresses that you allow into your |
| perceptions of the marriage. It's not too hard to | | | | life and into your marriage. It's up to you to set priorities |
| concede that things certainly aren't great right now. | | | | and to make the time. You did this once, in the |
| There's no use in denying that. You differ on if things | | | | beginning. You listened as much as you talked. You |
| can be turned around, but you shouldn't dwell on this | | | | gave as much as you got. You valued his happiness |
| either. For now, just concede that he's absolutely right | | | | as much as your own. |
| about the state of the marriage. You're trying to lessen | | | | And yes, so he did. And yes, he has work to do too. |
| some of the resistance and a sure way to do this is to | | | | But right now, you're the only one who is willing to step |
| stop resisting yourself. It's easier to swim with the tide | | | | up the plate. So you are the one who must start to |
| than the struggle against it. | | | | make things better. As what you're doing makes him a |
| Working On The Marriage Without His Cooperation | | | | bit more happy and fulfilled he will gradually become |
| (And Without Telling Him That You're Doing It): If your | | | | more receptive until he's at a point where he's giving a |
| husband has made clear that he doesn't think the | | | | little also. |