| Modern parenting experts advise parents to explain | | | | sleepovers - the list is endless. |
| their decisions to children on the basis that this will | | | | I always say a happy family works like an army unit - |
| make it easier for them to follow the rules. This simple | | | | the officers make the rules and the privates follow |
| and seemingly innocuous parenting myth has caused | | | | those rules. As long as the parents are firm, fair, |
| more disharmony, frustration and anger in families than | | | | consistent and perceived to be in charge, then children |
| any other advice. Why? Because the long term | | | | are content to give over the reins to them. A family |
| consequences of this approach are children who grow | | | | without clear leaders is a chaotic family unit. |
| up expecting their parents to explain why they are | | | | Expecting children to respect parents' authority is not |
| being asked to do something. Having to explain a rule | | | | about stifling communication or a child's self-expression. |
| or decision to a two year old is one thing - having to | | | | Growing up in a home where children were required to |
| rationalise with 3 teens or pre-teens about every | | | | respect their parents' decisions did not damage my |
| request you make or discipline you impose becomes a | | | | confidence or ability to express myself. Other people |
| source of frustration and contention in the home. | | | | would argue that I express myself too readily, lol! I still |
| There is new evidence that family arguing affects | | | | go toe to toe with my dad on every topic under the |
| children throughout their lives. A recent report by the | | | | sun. Instead, growing up in a home where family |
| long running Simmon Longitudinal Study, published in the | | | | relations were peaceful and warm allowed us to |
| Journal of the American Academy of Child & | | | | flourish as well as enjoy each others companies. This |
| Adolescent Psychiatry, focused on family arguments. It | | | | has to be better than the many families I observe |
| looked at the effects of parents fighting with each | | | | where bickering and tantrums seem to be a norm. |
| other, and with their children. It found that 15-year-olds | | | | Strategies For Taking Back Control in the Home |
| involved in family arguments, were more likely to be | | | | Parents need to be clear in their own mind and with |
| functioning poorly at age 30 than other people in the | | | | their children about when it is okay to discuss matters |
| study who did not live in argumentative homes. The | | | | and when it is not. The weekly family meeting might be |
| children exposed to family fighting were two to three | | | | a good time to discuss issues; when parents are |
| times more likely to be unemployed, suffer from major | | | | disciplining or giving chores is not. As there is bound to |
| depression, or abuse alcohol or other drugs by age 30. | | | | be some resistance from older children at first, I |
| They also were more likely to struggle in personal | | | | suggest giving chores every time a parent's request is |
| relationships, but that was evident to a somewhat | | | | followed by the word "why". I have found that |
| lesser degree. | | | | technique to be very effective! |
| I would argue that parents need to avoid modern | | | | In addition, parents need to stay in control of their |
| parenting styles that could lead to households where | | | | temper. This isn't about being abusive or angry - that is |
| children feel entitled to challenge their parents on any | | | | clearly a sign that you are not in charge. It is about |
| and every decision. How many parents today can give | | | | expecting children to recognise you as the leader of |
| an instruction to a child and have it followed out | | | | your family unit and accept your instructions as such. |
| immediately and politely? I imagine, few. This is a direct | | | | Parents who are used to losing their cool must |
| consequence of this myth. Parents got into the habit of | | | | practise staying calm, no matter what the provocation. |
| explaining things to their children and their children got | | | | Any time parents lose their temper is a time when |
| into the habit of saying 'why?' and getting a reply. | | | | they have shown their children that they are not in |
| What Makes A Family Work Well | | | | charge, and are, therefore, open to challenges. |
| For a house to work well, there must be a clear leader | | | | There is a place for explanations and being |
| (or leaders) and the other members of the family must | | | | 'reasonable' in a family. Indeed, talking to children and |
| be willing to accept the decisions of these leaders. | | | | teaching them about the world provides many |
| There can't be constant arguments and negotiations | | | | wonderful opportunities for bonding and laughter. |
| about chores, bath times, homework, computer time, tv | | | | However, that time is not when parents are giving |
| watching, phone calls, friends coming over, bed time, | | | | instructions or making decisions. |