| New love seems to cradle and carry couples for a | | | | So when you work on creating more mental space |
| time—magnifying all that is good about your partner | | | | for positive thoughts about your partner, less room |
| and your future together. We now know that | | | | exists for negativity. And when you work on focusing |
| relationships go through a series of phases over the | | | | on the positive aspects of your relationship (and your |
| years—some that can challenge the very bond that | | | | life), you elevate your mood and you will be more likely |
| holds you together. | | | | to overlook (or at least not harp on) certain flaws that |
| It's interesting how people describe their new partner | | | | exist in your partner. |
| to friends and family, and how these perceptions can | | | | A fight that could have escalated—meet Eric: |
| change over time. Unfortunately, some of the very | | | | Like all of us, Eric gets into arguments with his wife, |
| traits that initially draw people to one another are the | | | | Brianna, from time to time. And like all of us, he feels |
| same traits that are later perceived as problematic. | | | | righteous and justified in his position during conflict and |
| Here are some I've heard over the years: | | | | sees his wife as unreasonable. But Eric fell upon a |
| Left column is an early perception of one's partner; | | | | simple yet powerful way to overcome the toxic |
| Right column is the same trait perceived much | | | | effects that can linger after an argument—he was |
| differently: | | | | able to shift his mood and create a positive state of |
| ¦â€¦"Annoying" | | | | mind and before he knew it, the argument didn't drive |
| ¦â€¦"Overly talkative" | | | | his reactions. |
| €¦"Highly emotional" | | | | After a spat one evening, the couple went to sleep |
| ¦â€¦"Down-right opinionated" | | | | angry at each other. Before work the next morning |
| ¦â€¦."Self-absorbed; unyielding" | | | | Eric kept reviewing the argument in his mind and |
| ¦â€¦"Naïve; immature" | | | | worked himself up all over again—while brushing his |
| ¦â€¦."Ditzy; uncaring" | | | | teeth he drew up his mental blueprints for a grudge |
| €¦.."Stern; unfeeling" | | | | that would probably last the entire day: the silent |
| ¦â€¦"Rigid; obsessed" | | | | treatment, followed up by eye rolling, a few sighs and |
| Why this is the case is up for debate. One thing is for | | | | some door-slamming thrown in for effect. |
| certain: | | | | Before heading out the door, Eric checked his email |
| Negative feelings are more salient and linger longer | | | | and watched a short, funny video a friend had sent. |
| than positive feelings. These negative feelings have a | | | | Five minutes later, he was laughing and in a good |
| profound influence on your perceptions of | | | | mood. The argument with Brenda was the furthest |
| others—especially your spouse or partner. | | | | thing from his mind. But a few minutes later he began |
| If I asked you to quickly recall something positive that | | | | thinking about the argument again and he could |
| happened to you over the last several months or | | | | immediately feel his good mood exit. |
| something upsetting that happened, it's likely that you'd | | | | Eric had two choices at this point: |
| have quicker mental access to the painful or upsetting | | | | Ruminate about the argument and continue to feed his |
| experience. | | | | negative moodor |
| What does any of this have to do with your marriage | | | | Work toward maintaining and further elevating his |
| or relationship? | | | | positive mood |
| If you do not actively work on acknowledging and | | | | Eric decided on that second option. He was able to |
| cherishing the positive aspects of your marriage or | | | | stop his ruminations about the argument by watching |
| relationship, sooner or later the negatives will grow like | | | | the amusing video one more time. |
| a cancer and take over. | | | | As Eric later described, "At that moment everything |
| Negative feelings act like a negativity magnet that | | | | felt different and the heaviness I was feeling lifted." |
| seeks similar energy. So when you're in a bad mood, | | | | With good mood in hand, he was surprised to find that |
| or feeling down about something, you are more likely | | | | he wanted to make things better with Brianna. When |
| to ignore positive experiences, while highlighting all that's | | | | your mood is elevated, you'll be more motivated to |
| wrong with life. When you're in a bad mood, relatively | | | | create and nurture experiences that feed your positive |
| neutral circumstances can even be perceived with a | | | | feelings. So before heading off to work, Eric |
| biased, negative slant. | | | | apologized to his wife for his share of |
| While your thoughts influence your emotions, your | | | | unreasonableness and things were back to normal in |
| emotions also influence your thoughts and perceptions. | | | | their relationship. |
| This is why it's important for couples to cool off after | | | | Are you ready to follow Eric's lead and create an |
| an argument before trying to come to some resolution. | | | | atmosphere of positivity in you marriage or |
| If not, negative feelings on both sides will continue to | | | | relationship? |
| create biased perceptions and everything that you | | | | To discover relationship tips and learn what other |
| don't like (or can't stand) about your partner will | | | | couples are doing to create stronger relationships, visit |
| scream for attention. | | | | and sign up for Dr. Nicastro's FREE Relationship |
| Rule of thumb: You cannot hold opposing thoughts | | | | Toolbox Newsletter. |
| about your spouse or partner at the same time. At | | | | As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: |
| any particular moment you might think he's either a | | | | "The four mindsets that can topple your relationship" |
| total jerk or Mr. wonderful—but he can't be both at | | | | and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you |
| the same time. | | | | argue before your arguments control you. |