| I get a lot of emails from wives (and sometimes from | | | | of opening themselves up or of doing something in a |
| husbands too) who indicate that the marriage is no | | | | new way or of changing the status quo can almost be |
| longer a close one or that both parties no longer feel | | | | crippling. It can seem easier to just try to deal with |
| as close to one another as they once did. I'll often hear | | | | things as they are rather than to change them. |
| things like: "we used to talk for hours but now we can't | | | | But, don't you and your spouse both deserve to be as |
| carry a conversation;" or "I used to feel so close to him | | | | happy, close, and fulfilled as you can be? Don't your |
| but now he feels like a stranger to me;" or "I feel like | | | | children deserve to grow up in a house filled with |
| we're both going through the motions and don't really | | | | laughter and love? Isn't it worth stepping out of your |
| care one way or another." | | | | comfort zone if the rewards are so great? Of course |
| These statements have one very important thing in | | | | it is. But sometimes, taking the first step is the hardest |
| common. They all stem from a lack of intimacy which | | | | part. |
| has become increasingly common in modern | | | | To that end, I don't want you to put a lot of pressure |
| marriages. People sometimes mistakenly think that | | | | onto this process. Don't expect to make drastic or |
| they've "fallen out of love," or that they no longer have | | | | awkward changes overnight. Don't become |
| any "chemistry." This really isn't often the case. Instead, | | | | discouraged if these seem forced or awkward at first. |
| what has happened is that the effort hasn't been there | | | | The key here is to make small and repetitive changes |
| and so the intimacy isn't there either, although this isn't | | | | that become a habit over time. You don't have to do |
| necessarily any one's fault. Changing this dynamic is | | | | anything that makes you horribly uncomfortable. But, |
| very much within your control though. I'll discuss this | | | | you should be able to find a comfortable middle that |
| more in the following article. | | | | allows you to keep moving forward. |
| Is Your Marriage (Or Your Spouse) On The Back | | | | Start small. At first, just set aside 15 minutes to spend |
| Burner?: In order to fix this problem, you must be | | | | together in a light hearted way. Make this a daily thing. |
| honest with yourself. Often, I will ask people how much | | | | Turn off the phone. Turn of the TV. Take a walk |
| time they devote to just being with and bonding with | | | | together. Vow to not talk about problems or kids or |
| their spouse. They'll often replay with something like: | | | | issues that are nothing more than small talk. Ask about |
| "well, as much as I can." I will then ask them to | | | | your spouse's experiences that day and really listen. |
| describe what kinds of activities that they enjoy | | | | Respond in the way that you would want for him (or |
| together and how often these take place, and I'll often | | | | her) to respond to you. |
| get silence or a blank stare. | | | | I often tell people that, over time, their goal should be to |
| The truth is, most of us reach a point where we no | | | | become the spouse that they want. Sure, this may |
| longer make our marriage our top priority. And, there | | | | seem backward. But, if you're telling yourself that you |
| are many legitimate reasons for this. We are | | | | don't really know what to do here, I must tell you that |
| completely overwhelmed with work, children, and | | | | this just isn't true. You and your spouse were once |
| staying afloat in this economy and we become | | | | deeply in love and very strongly connected. You know |
| "comfortable" after a while and assume that we can | | | | what it takes to accomplish this. And, you know what |
| sort of coast. We assume that our spouse knows | | | | makes this relationship work. Now, I know that you |
| how much we love them and where our commitment | | | | may be saying "yes, but things are so different now. |
| and our heart is. | | | | There are so many other things to focus on." This is |
| And in all likelihood, they do know this. However, just | | | | no doubt true and valid. But you just can't expect to |
| like anything else, you're going to get from this | | | | put 1/4 or less of the time that you used to in the |
| relationship what you put into it. If you neglect it, it's | | | | relationship and have it be 100% of what it was. This is |
| going to no doubt suffer. You must prioritize shared | | | | just an equation that is never going to add up properly. |
| experiences that you both enjoy and you must not | | | | That doesn't mean that you should make drastic |
| think for a second that if you don't do anything to fuel | | | | changes that are going to come off as fake or |
| the intimacy that it is going to remain. | | | | insincere. But, even small changes or increased time |
| Getting Back On Track: Most people completely | | | | and effort can yield noticeable differences. Once this |
| understand with what I've just said. However, when it | | | | happens, build on your small successes until you are |
| comes to actually doing something concrete to restore | | | | back to where you want to be. |
| the intimacy and closeness, they hesitate. The thought | | | | |