| Have you ever wondered whether other
| |
| | by talking to each other and keeping eye
|
| women, lesbian or straight have problems
| |
| | contact. The idea is to stay present and
|
| with sex? Do you worry that you're the
| |
| | in your body, and to stop when you begin
|
| only one who makes passionate love at the
| |
| | to numb out.
|
| beginning of a relationship and then
| |
| | Asking For What You Need
|
| withdraws? Or perhaps you enjoy making
| |
| | You may need a stronger or softer touch,
|
| love to your partner, but feel
| |
| | or to be in a certain position. Stop
|
| uncomfortable receiving sexual pleasure?
| |
| | whenever you need to, and talk about how
|
| If any of these sound familiar, you are
| |
| | you are feeling. You might want to hold
|
| not alone.
| |
| | each other for awhile, then begin again
|
| Barriers to Feeling Comfortable with Your
| |
| | unless you don't want to. Only you can
|
| Sexuality
| |
| | know how you are feeling and whether you
|
| While we may believe that sex should flow
| |
| | want to continue or not, your partner can
|
| naturally and easily, the reality is
| |
| | only guess. It is far better for you if
|
| often different. It's no wonder, given
| |
| | you take charge of your own needs and
|
| all that we're up against--sexism,
| |
| | that your partner respects that. At
|
| heterosexism, and homophobia; society's
| |
| | times, it may feel frustrating, for both
|
| repressed attitudes about sex generally
| |
| | of you, so remember that by being patient
|
| and especially about women's sexuality;
| |
| | and taking it slow, your sex life can
|
| messages we receive from famililes,
| |
| | improve.
|
| religion, schools, and the media about
| |
| | Partners who view each others'
|
| women, lesbians, and sex; and the fact
| |
| | difficulties with sex as something to
|
| that so many girls and women are sexually
| |
| | work on together have the best results.
|
| assaulted. It's remarkable that we feel
| |
| | In this situation a partner will ask how
|
| comfortable with sex at all!
| |
| | the other is feeling, what is wanted, and
|
| Patience and Awareness
| |
| | whether they need to stop. This sends a
|
| If you're having a hard time with any
| |
| | clear message that you care and that it
|
| aspect of sex, the best thing you can do
| |
| | is okay to stop at any time.
|
| for yourself is to be patient and
| |
| | Talking About Sex
|
| understanding. Freeing yourself of
| |
| | Talking about sex, both inside and
|
| pressure, blame, or criticism is crucial
| |
| | outside the bedroom, is important in any
|
| to moving through any obstacle you face.
| |
| | relationship. If you're shy about saying
|
| A good starting place is to simply pay
| |
| | what you like while you're making love,
|
| attention to everything that you feel as
| |
| | tell your sweetie at another time. Have
|
| soon as you are aware of feeling
| |
| | fun, it doesn't need to be serious. You
|
| uncomfortable. If you are numbing, or
| |
| | may feel more comfortable sharing sexual
|
| shutting down, you'll want to figure out
| |
| | fantasies because it is less direct. Do
|
| how you felt immediately prior to that.
| |
| | what works for you, but find a way to
|
| *How does your body react?
| |
| | communicate your likes and dislikes with
|
| *What body sensations do you notice?
| |
| | sex.
|
| *Do you hold your breath?
| |
| | Starting and Stopping Sex
|
| *Does your heart quicken?
| |
| | For the person who feels uncomfortable on
|
| *What are your thoughts?
| |
| | the receiving end of sexual pleasure, try
|
| *Do you see or sense images, sounds,
| |
| | starting with just a little and stop.
|
| smells, or tastes?
| |
| | Talk about it, if that feels okay. Then
|
| *What do you notice before and during the
| |
| | try a little more, remembering to
|
| point you start to feel uncomfortable or
| |
| | breathe. Take a break again. Keep trying
|
| begin to numb yourself?
| |
| | this, receiving a little each time and
|
| Being aware of your own experience and
| |
| | then maybe increasing the amount of time
|
| responses is an important first step.
| |
| | each time. By going slowly, stopping and
|
| This awareness helps you be in your body
| |
| | starting again, you can increase your
|
| and be present with yourself. These are
| |
| | comfort level with the focus on you. Both
|
| important elements for being able to
| |
| | of you need to be patient because this
|
| relax and enjoy sex. This does not mean
| |
| | can feel frustrating too but it is well
|
| that you suddenly feel comfortable with
| |
| | worth it in the long run. You may find
|
| sex, in fact initially you may feel even
| |
| | you even enjoy it.
|
| more uncomfortable because you are more
| |
| | Letting Go
|
| aware of how upset or scared you feel.
| |
| | To have an orgasm, we need to be able to
|
| Some may respond to this process by
| |
| | ride the waves of arousal and let go--not
|
| feeling calmer. If you feel more upset or
| |
| | always such an easy thing to do. If you
|
| about the same, continue to be with your
| |
| | find this difficult, begin outside the
|
| feelings, let yourself breathe if you
| |
| | context of sex by thinking or talking
|
| can, and remember this will help you to
| |
| | about the following questions:
|
| feel better about sex.
| |
| | What does letting go mean to you?
|
| It is important that you and your partner
| |
| | What would happen if you were to let go?
|
| accept how you feel and approach your
| |
| | How do you feel about letting go?
|
| feelings with tenderness and love.
| |
| | Do you know what those reactions,
|
| Awareness, acceptance,and compassion are
| |
| | associations, and feelings are connected
|
| probably the most important things you
| |
| | to?
|
| can do for yourself and/or your partner.
| |
| | Are there other ways of your life in
|
| Are There Any Connections to the Past?
| |
| | which you find it hard to let go?
|
| You may want to ask yourself:
| |
| | Do you like to be in control?
|
| Have you felt this way before?
| |
| | Is there anything you are afraid will
|
| Do you feel this way in other situations?
| |
| | happen if you are not in control?
|
| See if you can remember the first time
| |
| | You might want to begin by finding
|
| you felt this way and whether there might
| |
| | opportunities to let go, to be in less
|
| be a connection. Does it make sense to
| |
| | control outside of sex. How do you feel
|
| you why this was triggered at this time?
| |
| | about that? Start small. Find little ways
|
| If not, try to remember the next time you
| |
| | you can be in less control throughout
|
| felt this way and whether you can make a
| |
| | your day. See if you can relax more, take
|
| connection to your present feelings.
| |
| | it easy. Remember this can help improve
|
| Strong emotional reactions are usually
| |
| | your sex life so let that motivate you.
|
| connected to past experiences that have
| |
| | During sex notice your reactions. If you
|
| not been fully resolved.
| |
| | start to tense up or pull back, stop
|
| You may have been sexually assaulted and
| |
| | right there. Notice that for a moment,
|
| coped by numbing out. Or you may have
| |
| | breathe, and if you want continue. Trying
|
| been raised in a chaotic household and
| |
| | to push on while you tense up will not
|
| feel a strong need to be in control.
| |
| | work, backing off will. You'll
|
| Directing your attention to what
| |
| | immediately relax some. Remember, you are
|
| originally brought on these feelings or
| |
| | tensing up for a reason, honour that and
|
| reactions, and finding ways to work
| |
| | let your partner know you need to stop.
|
| through those issues can help a lot.
| |
| | Obviously it is crucial that your partner
|
| How is Your Relationship?
| |
| | handles this sensitively and
|
| If you are withdrawing from sex, how are
| |
| | respectfully.
|
| you feeling about your relationship?
| |
| | Additionally, you may need to let your
|
| Are there areas in your relationship,
| |
| | partner know how to pleasure you just the
|
| apart from sex, that need to change?
| |
| | way you like it. Give yourself permission
|
| Are you spending too much time together,
| |
| | to do that.
|
| which can dampen passion?
| |
| | And most importantly, no one has an
|
| Are you not spending enough time
| |
| | orgasm by trying to have one. Let go of
|
| together, which can lessen your intimacy?
| |
| | that goal, and focus on the pleasurable
|
| Are you carrying around "baggage" from a
| |
| | feelings in your body. Some women need to
|
| previous relationship, which may be
| |
| | hear gentle loving words or be held when
|
| blocking your ability to relate
| |
| | they approach orgasm because for them it
|
| intimately with your partner?
| |
| | brings up all sorts of safety issues.
|
| Are your childhood experiences coming
| |
| | Others like to hear something more
|
| between you?
| |
| | raunchy.
|
| You may want to ask yourself what happens
| |
| | Final Thoughts
|
| when you withdraw from your partner. Does
| |
| | Experiencing sexual pleasure involves
|
| it reduce some anxiety or fear, or get
| |
| | being present; staying with your
|
| you some much needed space. Maybe there
| |
| | feelings, your breath and other body
|
| is another way that you could accomplish
| |
| | sensations; expressing yourself (talking,
|
| the same thing. When you are aware of
| |
| | making sounds, moving your body); and
|
| what is going on, you can let your
| |
| | letting go. Finding ways to feel more
|
| partner know how you feel, and ask her
| |
| | comfortable doing these things, in and
|
| him for what you need.
| |
| | outside the bedroom, will help your sex
|
| What You Can Do: Slowing Down
| |
| | life. Try not to worry if you don't
|
| If you are going numb or shutting down,
| |
| | notice any difference right away, be
|
| there are a number of strategies you can
| |
| | patient with yourself and your
|
| try. One strategy is to approach sex at a
| |
| | partner--your sex life can and will
|
| slower pace, spending more time at sexual
| |
| | improve.
|
| activities in which you don't numb out.
| |
| | © Kali Munro, 1998, 2000.
|
| Maintain a lot of contact with your lover
| |
| |
|
